But The Fire Refines

Ah yes, the obligatory "end of the year reflection" blog.  No doubt mine is one of thousands - so thanks for spending your time here.  I'll try to make it worth your while.  I wish I could say 2013 was a year of excitement, or adventure, or something cool like that.  But, if I had to sum up 2013 in one word, it would be "stress."  Stress regarding finances; stress in relation to work; and stress regarding life in general.  I cannot relate many of the details, as most of this stress and turmoil was internal.

I must admit, I feel a bit silly for voicing any complaint when my own struggles are small compared to many others - those for whom 2013 brought loss, death, poverty, hunger, or grief.  I think of men like Pastor Saeed Abedini, imprisoned in Iran for his faith, literally facing death and persecution on a daily basis.  I think of his family, another year for his children without their daddy, for his wife, faithfully fighting and working for his release.  My troubles seem minute in comparison. So please, don't think I am trying to make my troubles seem terrible or overwhelming. And yet, the truth remains - my life was full of stress this year - because I was pushed out of my comfort zone.  So, troubles great or small, God uses what He must to accomplish His purposes in us and in the world.

Once I took my eyes off of myself and my hollow self-pity, I thought, "Maybe God is trying to teach me something."   Wow.  What a novel idea. (Sarcasm.)  As I reflected and prayed, I recognized that God had indeed taught me many things this year - the "cost" of being faithful to Christ in American culture, coming to the realization that I don't want a career, but rather to be a wife and mother, and a few other lessons.  But then why a whole year filled with stress?  As I prayed, an image came to mind - me, many months ago, asking God to make me humble.  Brothers and sisters, asking God for humility is a lot like asking God for patience.  For God, in His mercy, doesn't just bestow humility or patience, but rather brings about circumstances to humble you or me.   Financial troubles, failures, throwing a wrench in my perfect 3-year plan - this is apparently what it takes to bring me to a place of humility before God (and honestly, I'm a bit worried He's nowhere near done...).

1 Peter 5:5-6 tells us
"God opposes the proud
but gives grace to the humble.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may life you up in due time."
Seems easy enough, but sometimes there are those, such as I, who have too much pride to truly humble ourselves willingly before God, so He brings the circumstances designed to humble us.  And oh, it hurts.  But our God "wounds, but He also binds up."  He must break us of everything that holds us back from being conformed to Christ, as a doctor re-breaks an improperly healed arm so it may heal correctly.

So yes, 2013 was a year spent "in the fire."  But, beloved, the fire refines."  As silver must endure the fire until the dross is consumed, so much the Christian go through the refining process. But also, as the silversmith never takes his eyes off the silver in the fire, so our great God will never forsake us in life's fires.  He knows precisely how long it will take for the refining process to be complete.  He will not leave you in the fire too long, lest you be destroyed, but neither will He remove you before the process is complete, lest His good work in you be left half-done.  "He who has begun a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."  God finishes what He starts - through the pain and through the joy.  For the refinement process is not void of joy and rest, because God knows "to everything there is a season."

I said recently to a friend, "here's hoping 2014 brings that joy and peace."  And I still hope that, of course, but what I truly desire is that 2014 bring whatever God knows I need, whatever brings Him the most glory.  I want to choose to trust Him, that He knows what I need and the times for those things - the pain and stress, the joy and peace.

"You brought me this far

So why would I question You now?

You have provided,

So why would I start to doubt?

I've never been stranded, abandoned

or left here to fight alone

So I'm giving you control.

If peace is a river

then let it sweep over me

If I'm under fire

I know it's refining me

When I hear You calling out I follow now

Wherever the road may go

I know You're leading me home.

I lift my life, lift my life up

I give it all in surrender

I lift my heart, lift my heart up

You can have it forever.

All my dreams, all my plans

Lord, I leave it in your hands

I lift my life, lift my life up

Have Your way in me

Have your way in me"

(Unspoken, "Have Your Way in Me)

Doubts, Trust, and School Dances

Anyone who knows me knows I love to study theology (I'm kind of a nerd like that).  I love looking up the original Greek and Hebrew roots of words, learning little details, and seeking subtle nuances woven into God's holy word.  I soak these up, and am refreshed and left in awe of our great God.  I see His love and mercy, His faithfulness and justice - a common thread woven through the Bible, tying His story together.  Reflection on His word leads me to a place of worship, praising Him as I recount all the things He has done, all His wondrous ways.

However, there are also many of His ways I just don't understand - things that don't make sense or seem unfair.  There are things I know to be true, and while truth sets you free, it doesn't always make you happy (at least not initially).  So, taking my cue from the Psalms, I go before the throne, a daughter of the King through the blood of Jesus, and pour out my frustrations.

This is another thing I love about God: He is big enough for my questions, my anger, my frustration and confusion.  I don't have to hide them, for He already knows the deepest part of me.  Now, when I say it is okay to go before the throne and pour out confusion, questions and frustration, I don't mean it is all right to go before God and whine, "It's not faaaiiirrrrrr....." for a spirit of grumbling and complaining is not received well.  But, to go before God and, in sincerity of heart say, "God, this doesn't seem fair.  I don't understand; I'm angry and confused.  Help."  That is a spirit God accepts. He "knows we are dust."  He knows we can't understand everything from our limited, human perspective.

Trying to understand the difficult things won't make them less difficult.  On the contrary, most of the time, trying to wrap my head around something I'm not equipped to understand only makes matters worse.  Yet, I still have a seemingly insatiable desire to "figure it out."  I want to have all the answers. But, some things of God I am not skilled to understand.  I suppose that is why God gets to be called God, and I don't.  So, in the midst of all these questions, what's a girl to do?  Again, I turn to the Psalms.  In painful or confusing situations, the Psalmist pours out his heart, and then turns his attention to who God is and all He has done.  The psalmist reflects on God's nature - His holiness, justice, goodness, grace and faithfulness - and that alone seems to alleviate his tumultuous doubts.

Why is this?  If I may, I'll use a human analogy that I think conveys the principle.

When I was 14, I went to my first dance as a freshman in high school.  Being new to the school, I didn't really know anyone, so I decided to go by myself.  My dad drove me to the school, and as I got out of the car, he said, "I'll be back at 10 to pick you up>"
"But the dance doesn't end until 11."
"I know.  But I will be here and pick you up at 10."
"Why do I have to leave an hour early??!" I asked, somewhat confused and a little indignant.
"Just trust me."
(Pause) "Yes Daddy."

Looking back, I understand why he wanted to pick me up early - if I was having a good time, it still gave me enough time to have fun, but if I didn't I wouldn't be miserably crying in a corner for 3 hours. (This was before I had a cell phone).  However, had he tried to explain that then, I would have balked - of COURSE I was going to have a good time, of COURSE I would make friends at the dance.  Had he tried to explain, I would have spent the evening angry, because my limited understanding would have interpreted his loving wisdom as unfair or ridiculous.  Instead, he chose to simply ask me to trust him, without understanding why.

The key is - I was willing to trust my dad based on everything I know about him.  He loves me, cherishes me, and has always had my good in mind when making decisions that affect me.  Because I know my dad, and know his character, I am willing to trust him, even when I don't see all his reasons.

So it is with God, only so much more!  All the things I know about God - that He is gracious and loving, holy and altogether just - and all the things He has done for me, tell me that I can confidently place my full trust in Him.  He has only eternal good in mind, and what may seem unfair or confusing now is not merely arbitrary or a whim.  Instead of trying to explain what I am not yet able to understand he simply whispers, "My child, trust me."
And when I remember who He is, and reflect on His goodness and holiness, I can confidently respond, "Yes, Lord." and rest in His peace until that day when all things will be clear and I shall "see face to face."

Created to Crave?

This post is inspired by a conversation I had about a week ago.  While speaking with a friend, we were talking about basic human needs and desires - sleep, food, water, etc.  My friend said to me: "I may lose you here, but I think a basic human desire is to alter one's consciousness, and to change one's mindset completely.  I say this because, well, look at the drug/alcohol/cigarette use and sale around the world. I think it's in us to varying degrees - but the desire to gain a new mindset/altered perspective is in each of us."
At first, I brushed off the idea as silly, late-night rambling.  But as I drove home, my mind began to toss this idea around and process it more fully.

Are we wired to crave this altered mindset?  If so, why?  What purpose would it serve?  If so many people have this desire, why have I never really felt the need to alter my mental state with drugs, alcohol, adrenaline or anything else?  Then it hit me.  We all do have a desire to acquire a new mindset - to change, to crave something more, something different.  We are constantly running from and searching for a way out of "normal," boring, repetitive and predictable. The problem is not the desire, the problem is the "solutions" we try to implement.  Alcohol, drugs, adrenaline rushes, etc, CAN bring about a temporary altered mindset/reality, but when that buzz wears off, the person is in the same place as before, and often emptier, making the craving stronger and more painful.  That which we seek to fill us, only empties us further.

In this situation, I wanted to ask, "Have you tried Jesus?  He's a trip."  Friends, I don't mean this in a disrespectful or sacreligious way.  What I mean is this: if you want a drastically, dramatically, and radically altered mindset, let Jesus and the Word of God take over your life.  Let Him renew your mind, and you will never be bored, ordinary, or "normal" in your life again. What's more, the satisfaction that close relationship with Jesus gives not only fills, but fills to overflowing.  If you ever crave more - seek Jesus and there is still more to be had.  The depths of His ways can never be exhausted.  If you have come to Jesus, and still feel this craving - genuinely seek Him, genuinely let Him take control. If you feel like to do so is impossible, or overwhelming - ask Him to help you seek Him, and He will. "Blessed  are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled."

In conclusion, we have been created to crave.  But what do you seek to fill this craving - alcohol, drugs, adrenaline rushes, etc?  For if you seek after these, you will be thirsty again  Allow Jesus to fill you, and you will never thirst again.  Crave Jesus - fill your soul and radically alter your mindset.

"Jesus answered, 'But whoever drinks the [living] water I give him will never thirst.  Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.'" (John 4:13-14)

Isaiah 55:1-2
"Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat!  Come buy wine and milk without money and without cost. Why spend money on what is not food and your labor on what does not satisfy?" (emphasis added)

Drink from the living water; come to Jesus, you who crave, and be filled, and you will never desire cheap imitations and substitutes again.  Come to Jesus, and let your soul be not only filled, but satisfied.

"Les Miserables" and My Own Heart.

Anyone who knows me knows I'm slightly obsessed with Les Miserables. I love the moving story - the search for redemption in a world of legalism, the fight for freedom in an oppressive world.  The songs, the characters, the life in the lyrics.  There is no surprise in someone like me falling in love with this musical.  What may surprise you is my favorite character - Javert.  Now, he's not my favorite character because I think he's a great guy (he's actually one of the most frustrating characters).  Javert is a staunch supporter of following the letter of the law, refusing to see what people become, and seeing only who they were. He is self -righteous, and unwilling to give or receive grace. (Spoiler Alert - if you have not seen Les Miserables yet, stop reading here, go see it, and then come back and finish this blog.)
Therefore, when Javert receives grace from Valjean, when Valjean has the opportunity to kill him, he cannot process grace or the idea that maybe Valjean is a better man than he, decides he cannot live in a world "in the debt of a thief," and commits suicide.  Because he sees no need for grace, and cannot give grace, he is unable to receive grace and the liberation that comes along with it.  In many ways, this makes Javert one of the great tragic characters of the stage.  But why then is Javert my favorite character.

My friends: I am Javert.

Quite simply, Javert is my favorite character because I feel everything he feels and I identify with him.  Throughout high school, and into college, I was that same, self-righteous, too-good-for-grace person.  Like Javert, I understood that we are all born in sin, that we all begin in the same place.  I know that we can't go to heaven without trusting in Christ.  But, I reasoned, we all make our choices, and after all, I wasn't really that bad - certainly much better than many.  I couldn't understand why everyone else couldn't grasp the concept - make the right choices, and all would be well. It wasn't that complicated.

I would have never said so out loud.  I went to church; I knew the Bible verses about being saved by grace and how if any man is in Christ, he is a new creation.  But what lay in my heart was far from gracious and Christ-like.  I was so quick to judge and condemn.  Sure, Jesus could forgive them, but I would always see only who people had been, and apply that judgement to who they became.  If Valjean is the prodigal, Javert is the elder brother.  I would be lying if I told you I wasn't inclined to act just like the elder brother - demanding special rights and privileges for faithfulness and protesting the celebrated return of the prodigal son.  I felt entitled to special rights, never owning the truth - that I too, am only acceptable to God through the blood of Christ, and the reward I sought is that beautiful fellowship with God.

Javert's struggle with grace ends in despair and suicide, which is why I am SO thankful for God's patience and willingness to show me my own desperate need for precious grace.  God broke me my sophomore and junior years of college, and I came face to face with my own failures, sins, and struggles.  I finally fully understood the beauty and magnitude of God's scandalous grace.  When one who has lived under the deception of self-righteousness, the recognition of sin is overwhelming and in some ways more painful than any prior experience.  This was true for me, and for a time I despaired. And there, surrounded by the recognition of my own unworthiness, God showed me through His word that grace is for me too - yes, I need grace and mercy, and because of Christ, that grace is available.
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Since that time, though I still struggle from time to time with self-righteous pride, God reminds me that aside from Christ's grace and strength, I am no better than any other man.  The acceptance of grace has allowed me the freedom to love, the freedom to recognize that every man in Christ is a new creation - the old is GONE, and all things have been made NEW!

Somewhere in the middle, maybe?

Somewhere in between

Caught in the middle is not normally a place anyone wants to be.  Especially a Christian.  We think in terms of white and black, right and wrong, good and bad.  And in most cases, that’s good.  Morality IS a matter of absolutes.  Right and wrong exist.  But that is not the point of this post.  Recently, there have been a plethora of articles discussing the high number of young Christians leaving the church, the causes behind it, and what we ought to do about it.  Normally, I hate to chime in just because a specific topic is currently vogue, but in this case, I feel the need to say something.

In case you haven’t been following the recent developments, the current state of the Church of Jesus Christ is as follows: lately, and in mass quantities, young Christians are leaving their traditional, Evangelical churches, and youth coming to Christ are doing so outside of normal church life/not joining a fellowship.  The question being raised: why? and what should we do about it?  The popular answer to this question is that young people either feel alienated from the traditional crowd, or feel that they just do not fit into the structure of the traditional church.  “I love Jesus, but just not organized religion” - this is the rally cry of the demographic in question.  Another undercurrent is the feeling of having to keep up a facade in church - don’t ask questions, pretend life is just fine, don’t doubt, pretend, pretend, pretend - keep your mask in place.

I’ll admit, I feel for these people. I know what it is like to feel as though I have to wear a mask, and to feel the fear of asking questions, to reveal doubt inside.  I agree that the church needs to be a safe place for people to question, a safe place to be real, to be transparent.  And in this respect, I applaud the Christian bloggers and authors drawing attention to this.  What I disagree with, or rather, am cautious about, is the largely reactionary way in which the current state of the affairs is being handled.

The general solution offered is that the Church needs to be less rigid, less “defined” if you will.  That the church needs to reach out to those on the “fringe,” like Jesus did - welcoming the lost, broken, the “non-churchy” people.  And up to this point, I am totally and completely on board.  Yes, the Church needs to remember that Jesus embraced those that the “good church people” would never have accepted - eating with tax collectors and prostitutes, and welcoming fishermen into His inner circle.  He patiently allowed those around Him to ask questions, and even though he called some out on their lack of faith, He never did so in a condemning manner.  It is completely safe to run to Jesus with questions - He can handle it.  In Isaiah, God even says, “Come and let us reason together.”  Also, yes, the Church needs to let go of trying to fit everyone in the same mold.

However, in an attempt to make more people feel welcome in Church, we have reacted almost too far - we are in danger of throwing the baby out with the bathwater.  It is as if in making the Church “safe” once again from judgmental glances and dismissive attitudes, we now run the risk of dismissing the notion of “sin” once and for all. We want people to feel comfortable, so church has become a place to feel good and hang out.  We don’t want people to feel judged, so we tell them they are welcome to come as they are and apparently, welcome to stay that way.

THIS is where I hop off the bandwagon.  Because, while Jesus accepted the sinners without judging them, He NEVER invited them to continue in sin.  Jesus accepts everyone just the way they are, but He loves them too much to leave them that way. (thank you Max Lucado, for pointing out this important distinction.)  We need to love people wherever they are at in life, but we need to be willing to lovingly challenge sin as well.  The difference is this: we need to carefully examine what Scripture calls out as sin, and what just happens to clash with our personal preferences.  For example, if a young person comes to Christ, and likes to skateboard, that is not a “sin” they have to give up.  Just because someone doesn’t wear “the right clothes” to church is not a grievance that needs to be addressed.  If someone is living a lifestyle contrary to Scripture, then YES, that needs to be lovingly addressed.  Coming to Christ can be done “as you are,” but giving one’s life to Christ is a decision that will completely and radically change a life.

In terms of the second issue, the Church also needs to be a safe place to question things.  My mom used to tell me, “If you ever find yourself in a church where you can’t ask questions, get out; that’s a cult.”  Beloved brothers and sisters, we need to listen to the questions of those having a crisis of faith, without freaking out and assuming that questions =committing heresy, or that falling apart = not enough faith. If we overreact to questions and devalue difficult circumstances, the message being sent is “you don’t fit in, but don’t ever let anyone know.  If you are going to belong to Christ, check your brains at the door, wear your mask, and don’t ever let anyone see you fall apart.”  If this is the message we’re sending, is it any wonder people leave the church in droves???

So I guess my point is this: the answer to making people feel welcome at church is neither to insist on continuing to do everything as we have been, but nor is it to swing completely to the other side.  The answer lies somewhere in the middle.  Perhaps we need to take a closer look at Jesus, and at Scripture.  Jesus is described as one who is appointed to bring good news to the poor, sent to comfort the brokenhearted and to announce that captives will be released and prisoners will be freed, to tell those who mourn that the time of the LORD's favor has come, and with it, the day of God's anger against their enemies,to give beauty for ashes, joy instead of mourning, praise instead of despair (Isaiah 61).  He is close to those who mourn and compassionate to those who are falling apart.  The only people Jesus attacked were those considered the “church leaders,” crushing people under extra-biblical expectations.  

Beloved, we need to lead people to Church with the intention of leading them to Jesus, lovingly guiding them through sorrow, doubt, questions.  We need to be a church that challenges people, yes, but we are exhorting them, not condemning, encouraging, not just pointing out failures.  

In short, we are to help people conform to the image of Christ, not insist they conform to our image.

From "Hate to Wait" to "Willing to Wait"

If ever there was a theme to describe my life, it would be...waiting.  I hate waiting.  I hate things happening outside my carefully constructed time-frame.  I hate it when I have to wait and others don't.  Confession: I am a selfish control freak.  So, it shouldn't surprise me that the process God brings me through again and again is one of waiting.   All of my life, especially the last few years, God has brought me through a seemingly continuous cycle of me complaining about waiting - to brokenness - to a willingness to wait on Him and trust His timing.

This process has perhaps never been so painfully evident in my life as it is right now.  One of my dearest friends has just announced her engagement to the love of her life, and I, against all intentions otherwise, have allowed myself to slip into envy and self-pity - because she has now what I want now. (Dearie, if you are reading this, please know that I am overjoyed and couldn't be more thrilled or excited for you as your wedding approaches, it just turns out that.... I'm human. ;)  I found myself thinking, "It's not fair.  I've been waiting longer; I want this part of my love story now, I, I, I; me, me me.

Well, praise the Lord He is able and willing to bring beauty from the rubble of my humanity.  A popular song by Anthem Lights seemed to sum up my feelings nicely:

Feeling like I've got a front row seat

To watch everybody be happy

Can't even paint a smile on my face

It's so hard to not complain.

Gotta try not to say,

"Oh God, what about me?"

Because I know that's not the way

that I'm supposed to be

As God (through trusted friends and His precious Word) has begun to bring my heart back into alignment with His, the next part of the song becomes my prayer:

Get me outta my mind

and into Your heart

It's not about me

It's not about me.

So I'm gonna start 

Playing my part

In Your design

Now is the time.

Get me outta my mind.

Oh brothers and sisters, the enemy of our souls knows where I am weakest.  But praise God that His strength is perfect in my weakness.  Learning to wait on God's timing, learning to trust, is where the enemy knows I am weak - but God knows it too.  He knows the deepest parts of my heart, for He formed it. And He offers His strength where I am weakest.  I believe He brings us through trials that make us weak, because it reveals HIS strength in our lives.  It is in those weak, worn, tired moments that He draws us unto Himself, to His presence, and fills us with peace, joy, and contentment only He can give. He never fails to show me time and time again that His timing is more perfect that I could have ever imagined or planned for. And for this, I am eternally in love with my precious Savior.

So, I may never like to wait, but, with His strength and mercy, I can say I am willing to wait.