Anyone who knows me knows I love to study theology (I'm kind of a nerd like that). I love looking up the original Greek and Hebrew roots of words, learning little details, and seeking subtle nuances woven into God's holy word. I soak these up, and am refreshed and left in awe of our great God. I see His love and mercy, His faithfulness and justice - a common thread woven through the Bible, tying His story together. Reflection on His word leads me to a place of worship, praising Him as I recount all the things He has done, all His wondrous ways.
However, there are also many of His ways I just don't understand - things that don't make sense or seem unfair. There are things I know to be true, and while truth sets you free, it doesn't always make you happy (at least not initially). So, taking my cue from the Psalms, I go before the throne, a daughter of the King through the blood of Jesus, and pour out my frustrations.
This is another thing I love about God: He is big enough for my questions, my anger, my frustration and confusion. I don't have to hide them, for He already knows the deepest part of me. Now, when I say it is okay to go before the throne and pour out confusion, questions and frustration, I don't mean it is all right to go before God and whine, "It's not faaaiiirrrrrr....." for a spirit of grumbling and complaining is not received well. But, to go before God and, in sincerity of heart say, "God, this doesn't seem fair. I don't understand; I'm angry and confused. Help." That is a spirit God accepts. He "knows we are dust." He knows we can't understand everything from our limited, human perspective.
Trying to understand the difficult things won't make them less difficult. On the contrary, most of the time, trying to wrap my head around something I'm not equipped to understand only makes matters worse. Yet, I still have a seemingly insatiable desire to "figure it out." I want to have all the answers. But, some things of God I am not skilled to understand. I suppose that is why God gets to be called God, and I don't. So, in the midst of all these questions, what's a girl to do? Again, I turn to the Psalms. In painful or confusing situations, the Psalmist pours out his heart, and then turns his attention to who God is and all He has done. The psalmist reflects on God's nature - His holiness, justice, goodness, grace and faithfulness - and that alone seems to alleviate his tumultuous doubts.
Why is this? If I may, I'll use a human analogy that I think conveys the principle.
When I was 14, I went to my first dance as a freshman in high school. Being new to the school, I didn't really know anyone, so I decided to go by myself. My dad drove me to the school, and as I got out of the car, he said, "I'll be back at 10 to pick you up>"
"But the dance doesn't end until 11."
"I know. But I will be here and pick you up at 10."
"Why do I have to leave an hour early??!" I asked, somewhat confused and a little indignant.
"Just trust me."
(Pause) "Yes Daddy."
Looking back, I understand why he wanted to pick me up early - if I was having a good time, it still gave me enough time to have fun, but if I didn't I wouldn't be miserably crying in a corner for 3 hours. (This was before I had a cell phone). However, had he tried to explain that then, I would have balked - of COURSE I was going to have a good time, of COURSE I would make friends at the dance. Had he tried to explain, I would have spent the evening angry, because my limited understanding would have interpreted his loving wisdom as unfair or ridiculous. Instead, he chose to simply ask me to trust him, without understanding why.
The key is - I was willing to trust my dad based on everything I know about him. He loves me, cherishes me, and has always had my good in mind when making decisions that affect me. Because I know my dad, and know his character, I am willing to trust him, even when I don't see all his reasons.
So it is with God, only so much more! All the things I know about God - that He is gracious and loving, holy and altogether just - and all the things He has done for me, tell me that I can confidently place my full trust in Him. He has only eternal good in mind, and what may seem unfair or confusing now is not merely arbitrary or a whim. Instead of trying to explain what I am not yet able to understand he simply whispers, "My child, trust me."
And when I remember who He is, and reflect on His goodness and holiness, I can confidently respond, "Yes, Lord." and rest in His peace until that day when all things will be clear and I shall "see face to face."
