Just Married - Decisions, Decisions

Ok, so you all knew it was coming.  The obligatory “newlywed blog.”  Being the sap I am, I usually read newlywed blogs, since they are typically filled with the happy, sappy, I’m-so-in-love drivel, and I LOVE IT.  But, sometimes to an annoying degree, they are filled with marriage advice.  Ah yes, just what we all want, sage advice from the girl who’s been married TEN WHOLE DAYS.  This blog falls somewhere in between, and if you’ll bear with me, I’ll do my best to make it worth your while.

First the wedding day (if you don’t like happy, sappy, I’m-so-in-love-I-don’t-even-know-what-to-do talk, feel free to skip this paragraph).  My wedding day was literally perfect.  Blue skies, 80 degrees, country setting, little white church, even down to the Seahawk theme, navy, white, and green decorations. Every one of my bridesmaids was drop-dead gorgeous, the men looked handsome and sharp, and the mother of the bride and mother of the groom, so beautiful.  My dad cried (a lot).  I can honestly say that my wedding day was everything I’ve ever dreamed of, everything I hoped for.  I had amazing people to help with set up the day before and the day of, and every detail was taken care of.  I had possibly the most stress free wedding in history.  Because of this, I had time to sit and relax and stop, look around, and take everything in,  But perhaps what made it so perfect was, at the end of it all, Tanner was my husband, and I, his wife. We made it. We got married.

Only being married two weeks certainly does not make me any kind of expert in love or what it takes to make a marriage successful.  I am still in the honeymoon phase, in a state of love and euphoria. However, I have the wisdom passed down to me from mentors, pastors and teachers about the kinds of habits in marriage that lead to a lasting marriage.  And though I’ve only been married two weeks, I can see the kinds of things they have been telling me about.

There are three pieces of advice that have always stood out in my memory - 1) Love is a choice. 2) The purpose of marriage is not to make us happy, but to make us holy, and 3) How you talk to, treat, and relate to your spouse is always a choice.

1). Love is a choice.  A lasting marriage relationship is based on the commitment made at the altar, not the feelings one experiences while making that commitment. Everyday, I have to choose to love Tanner.  Why?  Because I chose to enter a covenant relationship with him.  I didn’t promise to love him “as long as our love lasts,” but “until death do us part - for better, for worse.”  And when the worse comes, it is that choice, that decision that makes love last.  For in those moments, feelings lie. Feelings are great servants, but poor masters.  A lasting marriage is knowing that love is a decision, a commitment, a verb, not a mere feeling.

2).  “The purpose of marriage is not to make us happy, but to make us holy.” (It’s a quote from somewhere, but I don’t know where).  When I first heard this, I had to stop and sit down.  This quote caused an instant paradigm shift in my thinking toward marriage.  So often we go into marriage so happy, and this is good.  Our spouse says or does things that make us happy, and this too, is good.  But it is not the purpose of marriage.  God’s design for marriage is to reflect Christ and His church.  In order to become more like Christ, I must undergo the process of becoming holy.  So when arguments or annoyances arise, instead of praying and asking God to "fix" my spouse, I have to ask Him to refine me.  What can I do to love Tanner better?  Where can I more accurately reflect the heart and character of Christ in this situation?  Yes, and then pray for my husband rather than just praying about him. When I ask God to “fix” him, I am essentially asking God to make Tanner into my image - the image I have of what Tanner should be.  But when I pray for Tanner, I am asking God to conform Tanner into His image, according to His holy plans.  Then, I have to accept that perhaps “God is more interested in changing me than my spouse.”  Marriage is going to be a huge exercise in humility, a daily laying aside of my own pride.  It’s not always going to be fun, in fact, I'm pretty sure lessons in humility are never fun (I'm always much more prideful than I'd like to think), and I’m going to fail miserably at times, but the pursuit of holiness is never unfruitful. “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.” (Matt 5:11). “He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ. (Phil 1:6). This part alone will keep me where I belong - on my knees, in need of Christ's mercies each day.

3). How I talk to, treat, and relate to Tanner is always a choice.  Someone along the way told me that the first 6 to 12 months can set the tone for the entire marriage.  And yet, it is those very months that can be the hardest and most stressful, as we navigate finances, jobs, family, and merging our lives into one.  In these first two weeks there have been little things that have come up, or just little things that annoy me.  And honestly, I seriously considered expressing this verbally.  “Why do you _______?  How come you do_______like this?  You should do________MY way.”  STOP.  Attitude check.  I’ve always believed that Colossians 3:12-14 is the verse that can sum up how to treat one another in a marriage relationship.

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with

compassion

kindness

humility

gentleness and

patience.

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.

Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

And over all these virtues, put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”

Compassion.  Kindness. Humility. Gentleness. Patience. Forgiveness. Love.  All these things are supposed to reflect in our attitude toward one another as Christians, how much more important must they be in marriage - the most intimate of all relationships!  And so I have made a decision that when I talk to Tanner, as far as it depends on me, to ask myself: Is what I am about to say (in word and in tone) compassionate, kind, humble, gentle, patient, forgiving, and loving?  And please, please, PLEASE, keep me accountable to this!  This is not an easy task, and as the stress of life rolls in, and sleepless nights, bills, irritations and the like stack up, sometimes I won’t feel like relating to my husband this way.  But this is precisely why love is a choice.  And why there is no way I would have ever considered entering into marriage without Christ as the center and my strength.  It is HIS faithfulness and strength that I rely on.

So, there you have it, my somewhat sappy, somewhat sage, obligatory “I just got married” blog post.  Please feel free to tell me what you think and to add on any wisdom you have learned from your own relationships!  Hope this was worth your time!  I JUST GOT MARRIED!!!!

Right to the Heart of it All

"For the Word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.  Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight.  Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of Him to whom we must give account." 
Hebrews 4:12-13

"Man of sorrows, what a name
for the Son of God who came.
Ruined sinners to reclaim.
Hallelujah! What a Savior!"

Once again, God has been faithful to put before me the things deep in my heart, laying bare all the things I'd rather keep hidden.  Scripture tells me that the Holy Spirit searches my heart, and that all hidden things are laid bare before Him.  The Sword of the Spirit has been at work again, slicing through my carefully crafted facades and getting to the heart of my problem.  And the problem, it turns out, is with my heart, my attitude.

At work, in life, wherever, there are some people who are SO. HARD. TO. LOVE.  People toward whom it is difficult to have even a kind thought.  People to who it is difficult to be civil sometimes.  In my life, these people are those who are or have been harsh or unrelenting toward people I care about, or toward those I advocate for.  I have more patience, it seems, toward the children I work with than with these folks because, "Can't they just understand already?"  "Are they even TRYING to 'get it'?"  "Do they even SEE their problem?!"  I get angry, and in my (self-deemed) "righteous indignation" I let that anger fester.  I wallow; I seethe; I stew - and ever so slowly, I become bitter.  But, but...THEY are the ones with the problem, right?  I mean, I'm right to be angry, aren't I??

 I...they...but....

But then I see Jesus - on the cross, dying for them.  Jesus, coming "ruined sinners to reclaim."  Jesus, dying for the sin of the world - the sins of lust and greed and pride....oh.  Pride.  Self-righteousness.  "You mean, my attitude, Lord?"  And the scalpel cuts.  Straight to the heart of me.  The sword goes deep, to cut out another piece of me that does not reflect Christ.  And I see how far I truly am from God's heart, how much I desperately need grace daily.  In my pride I like to go around believing I'm a pretty good person, and then God puts these people in my life, like a mirror.  A mirror reflecting the condition of my heart, and, much like when I see my physical reflection in the morning, I think, "Oh!  That CAN'T be accurate!"  But the mirror only reflects what is.  It makes no comment, no adjustment, it merely reveals the true state of what is before it. "Those people" don't make me prideful and bitter, they show me how bitter and prideful I already am. (Credit to C.S. Lewis for this principle).  I see the truth, and I am cut to the heart.  But, praise God, "Godly sorrow leads to repentance...."

So, these people I don't WANT to love, don't WANT to be patient with - who am I to decide whether they are worthy of love and patience?  How patiently Christ has dealt with me!  He died, to save my soul and transform my heart, and patiently sets about His gracious work.

"Take my will and make it Thine

It shall be no longer mine.

Take my heart, it is Thine own

It shall be Thy royal throne."

Lord, my will is something I so often reclaim, something I try to take back, when who you have called me to be does not align with what my flesh wants.  I want to believe I know best, and carefully craft the perfect excuses instead of seeing my sin for what it is.  Yes, it is ok to be upset when someone mistreats another, but this should drive me to prayer and to seek change, while showing love and patience.  God is the One who changes hearts and minds.  He calls me to "seek justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with my God." (Micah 6:8).  It's a delicate balance, to humbly stand for truth while intentionally living in love, but I know this: bitterness and self-righteousness have never changed a heart.  They only drive wedges, between people and between me and God.  I am to live intentionally to love ALL - even those who I don't WANT to love, and let God do the heart-work.

I Have A Confession To Make......

I have a confession to make.  Many who are close to me know this already. For those who don't know me so well, please don't judge me.  Or do.  I don't really care because it won't change anything.  Here goes:

I LOVE kid's praise music.

There.  I said it.

I love listening to kid's praise music - specifically Donut Man.  (For those of you who don't know him, look up the music.  It will change your life!)
Anyway - I never outgrew listening to Donut Man music.  Once the cassettes gave out (and I have nothing to play them on anymore), I took to buying the CDs.  I listen to all types of Christian music - hymns, contemporary, Christian rock, alternative, etc.  But I always come back to those kid's praise choruses and Bible story songs.

But why?  I am 26 years old.   I'm getting married this summer.  I have a full time, grown-up job (ok, so I work at an elementary school, so not TOO grown up).  I should be long past this phase, and thinking of kids praise music only in terms of what my future children will be listening to (Donut Man, obviously.)  Ironically enough, the reason why came to me while listening to one of my CDs.

In children's praise music, the themes are so simple:  God is in control; we only need to trust Him.  God will provide for us; we need to have faith.  God has done so many wonderful things; He is trustworthy and true.  Jesus died for our sins so that we can be reconciled to God.  God loves us; He will never leave us; we need to follow His Word.  No matter what happens, no matter how scary something seems, God is always near, and He is for us.  Etc, etc, etc.  As a child, this is something that seemed easier to accept than it does as an adult.  When I was a child, and heard this music about trusting God and letting Him be in control, I was overwhelmed with peace and security.  As an adult, though I still know these things, my tendency is to think, "Yes, God is in control, but....I need to do....I need to figure out....etc."  The stakes seem so much higher, and everything seems so much more complex.  But is it really?

I think this is part of what Jesus was talking about when He said that we needed to enter the Kingdom of God as a child.  We are called not to be "child-ish" but "child-like."  A child is completely and totally dependent on his or her parents (or other major adult caregiver).  A child can understand and accept letting go of fear and letting God take the wheel, because this is no different than his or her current situation in life - only better, because God doesn't make mistakes, and is powerful and never fails.  As we get older, more and more decisions in life become ours to make, and we begin to depend on ourselves.  Now, we are made to grow up and stop depending on our parents for everything, but we were also created to wholly depend on God.  We were never intended to do anything without Him ("In Him we live and move and have our being.")  Trials and troubles in life are not a sign we need to try harder, but a reminder of our dependence on God.

Throughout the years, the same truth has impacted my life in different ways.  The meaning of these Biblical truths apply differently at 7, 15, and 26, and I'm sure they will take on different meaning at 30, 45 and beyond.  For example:

"When fear and doubt surround me all about

and the enemy's camp is near

Say that Jesus in me is greater than he

who lives in the world!

The victory is mine but the battle is the Lords

Hosanna! Hosanna!

No enemy can stand when His praise goes forth

Hosanna! Hosanna!"

At 7 years old, this meant that when I am scared of the dark, or afraid of someone laughing at me because I love Jesus, it is okay, because Jesus is greater than the enemy, and I am protected.

At 26, this means that those dreams God has put in my heart, and the tasks He calls me to do are within reach - not by my power, but because He is in me, and He is on my side.  I don't have to fear failure, trials, uncertainty, because "the victory is mine, but the battle is the Lord's."  Fear and doubt have as little power now as they did then.  The stakes seem higher, but God remains the same.  The temptation is to let myself believe that it's not so simple anymore.  That's a lie.  It IS that simple.  Child-like trust and dependence upon God is ALWAYS what we have been called to. 

The apostle Paul wrote in his letter to the Philippian church:  "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, but prayer and petition, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  (Phil 4:6-7).  Paul wrote this to a church people in a hostile, dangerous situation.  As most well-know, the Roman empire was not exactly a conducive place to be a Christ-follower.  Yet, Paul does not give them a detailed list of how to overcome any fear or anxiety they have, or how to solve all their problems.  He simply tells them "Don't be anxious, pray and give it to God, and He will give you His peace, a peace the defies all understanding." (paraphrase).  Simple solution to a seemingly overwhelming problem.

No matter how complicated life seems, the truth remains so beautifully simple.  God IS in control.  God WILL be victorious.  Trusting what Christ did on the cross and His resurrection IS the way of salvation.  The truth can be hard to hear, because complexity and chaos shout from all directions, and fear and doubt whisper paralyzing lies.  Pride winds its way into our heart.  All these things make it so hard to hear the simple truth.  Spend time at the feet of the Master.  Hear what He has to say.  Read His word, and always come with the heart of a child.

So go and be childlike, my brothers and sisters.  Live a life of simple trust and obedience, and see what God brings forth through your life.  (And don't forget to listen to Donut Man music! ;)  )

A Glimpse Of the Heart Of God

I am constantly amazed at the lessons God has seen fit to teach me through the students in the behavior classroom.  I've come to find that God has so much to teach me - about His character, His promises, His love, - if I am willing to listen.  I am blown away by the opportunity to get a look into the heart of God.

A situation a few weeks ago provided one such experience.

One student I work with was having a particularly difficult day, and blew up/melted down a few times. That student was frustrated with me, with the work to be done, with the classroom expectations.  He/she didn't want to complete the expected schoolwork, and were upset with me for gently restating the expectation.  I was willing to help where needed, and a preferred activity lay just on the other side of the worksheet's completion.

This day, the student chose to express their frustration by trashing the classroom, and becoming aggressive.  I was kicked in the shins multiple times, hit, and spat on.  Each time, I reminded the student that such behavior was not acceptable and was not how they were going to get what they wanted, and gently restated the expectation.  I strive to always be kind, but firm.  A few more of these meltdowns occurred throughout the day, though my student did eventually complete the expected work.

I returned home at the end of the day exhausted, and feeling utterly defeated.  I sat down and prayed, "God, what can I do? I'm just so frustrated and I don't even know where to begin."  I sat in silence for a few minutes, and slowly, I began to understand God was trying to teach me something about Himself, even in this.

When God asks something of me, whether through Scripture or the gentle prompting of the Holy Spirit, how often have I responded by resisting or refusing?  How often have I, giving into my own desires, spat in the face of God?  The childish resistance I experienced in the classroom, the irrational overreaction to something unpleasant, is really no different that how I respond to God sometimes. My heart broke as I considered how my behavior must sadden and anger God.  His child, whom He loves, who He sent His own Son to die for, and for whom He has good plans, insists upon willfully resisting!  He has done everything for me, and yet I stubbornly refuse to do as He asks, simply because I don't want to. I tell Him I love Him, but when asked to do a task I don't want to do, I rebel.

And yet, through it all, God's love for me never changes.  After all I put Him through, He still receives me.  Sometimes receiveing that love is hardest of all.  The love that remains true, all while gently convicting my heart that what I've done is far from acceptable, and that His expectations of me are the same.  It is a love that causes me to see that I'm in the wrong. This is a love that, when I come back before Him and plead for forgiveness, says, "I still love you. My attitude toward you has not changed."

And surely enough, when I arrived at work the next morning, my student ran in to give me a hug, and said, "I'm sorry, teacher, for kicking you and spitting in your face.  I love you Miss Kc."  And, fully aware of the previous day, I remember the heart of God and say, "I forgive you. I love you too, buddy."