Married one year - I can't believe it's already been a year (and in some ways I can't believe it's only been a year!) Marriage is, in short, wonderful. I am SO in favor of this marriage thing!
Before Tanner and I got married, people would say to us, "You are going to learn so much in that first year!" Okay, I thought, maybe, but we've known each other for so long, there really isn't that much to learn! Boy, was I ever wrong. So, here are a few of those things I've learned, the musings of a not-so-newlywed.
1). I am a much more selfish person than I ever dreamed.
Don't get me wrong, I never held myself up as some kind of standard of selflessness, but I figured I was doing pretty well. I'm here to say when the Bible says that the inclination of the human heart is self-focused and bent toward evil, it's not kidding. So many of the frustrations and annoyances are over little things, the little ins and outs of blending two lives into one
"Well, we should do it this way because that's what I want!"
"I wish you would do_______ like this because it's easier for ME!"
"Lord, can you make him_________? I want him like ______."
I. I. I. Me. Me. Me. And here's the thing - selfishness gets in the way of true communication and unity. I'm not really communicating with my husband if all i'm doing is saying how I want things to be. Rather, I'm making demands and heaping expectations - and that only results in harbored resentment and stubbornness. So, I've tried to change how I communicate my needs and wants.
"I've always done_____ this way. How do you think we should do it? or "I've noticed that you do_____? Is there a particular reason?"
"Can you help me with_____?" "What can I help you with?"
I find that most often, he doesn't mind doing things the way I usually do them, and, if asked reciprocally, I don't mind doing things the way he usually does them. I've come to find that most often, we do things a certain way out of habit, not necessarily out of efficiency. Also, when I look for ways to bless my husband, he in turn becomes motivated to bless me (And I'm telling you all, I married a man with a heart of gold - he serves me so much more than I deserve.)
And instead of praying, "God, make him______ kind of husband for me." I ask, "God, please shape me into the kind of woman You want me to be, the kind of wife he needs me to be, and grow him into Your image." Selfishness says, "I'm going to change you into who I want you to be." Humility and love says, "I'm going to let God change you into who He wants you to be." And in the end, I want a husband fashioned after Christ's image, not my likeness.
2). A large piece of married life is learning what to address and what to just let go.
I truly believe much of the strife in the marriage relationship can be alleviated by just letting stuff go! So he leaves his clothes in a pile by the bed - well, he put them away when we have company. I'm constantly picking up his water glasses - well, wouldn't you know it, he constantly puts away the shoes I leave all over the house. Why make a big deal out of things that don't really matter in the end? And here's the payoff - when I let the little things go, then when I do need to address something, he is more likely to listen, because he knows I'm not nagging, but rather, communicating.
3). Last but not least, Marriage is the hardest thing I've ever done.
Don't let that concern you. As a culture, we have this collective idea that easier = better. Billions of dollars worth of advertising products that make life easier, and therefore, "better." And somehow, this idea has slowly seeped into our idea of love and relationships - if it's hard, there is something wrong. When someone says, "Marriage is hard" we immediately get the idea that their life sucks. That they must not be happy.
But when I say marriage is the hardest thing I've ever done, I mean that the same way as when I tell people that pulling an A in Trig my senior year of high school was hard, the same way that college was hard, the same way that my job is hard. Getting that A in Trig put me over the moon. Finishing college with a bachelor's degree made me feel like I could conquer the world. And my job - I've never been happier or more fulfilled in a job - it's my heart and my passion and I love waking up to go to work.
The best things in my life, the things that mean the most to me, the things that hold the most value, required HARD WORK. Because in the end, anything of value, anything worth having takes hard work. And so it is with marriage. Marriage is the ups and downs of figuring out life with another person
It's balancing the checkbook when finances are tight
It's balancing two schedule and one vehicle
.
It's learning to show love and respect to someone even if I don't like them in the moment
It's learning to face challenges as a team instead of figuring it out myself
It's taking another person's perspective into account before making a decision
It's willingly submitting to my husband's authority, even when I want to be in full control
It's all these things and more. And above all, it's looking across the table that him at the end of the day, knowing I'm more in love with him than I was a year ago when we married. The tough stuff makes the fun memories and carefree times so much richer, so much sweeter. Marriage has grown me into a better (hopefully) version of the woman I was one year ago. Marriage has drawn me closer to Christ - to lay my expectations and insecurities at His feet, to better understand His unconditional love. Marriage fills me with joy, passion, and confidence to take on life with Tanner for the next 50+ years.
In closing, married life has taught me more than I ever dreamed, and I'm excited for the growth to come, to see what we have learned 5, 10, and 25 years from now! Marriage is 100% worth it!
Thanks for reading!
PS: (And no, I'm not pregnant yet! ;) )
