In my current struggle (if you don't know what I'm talking about, click here: http://kcslittlelifelessons.blogspot.com/2017/05/sanctification-perspective-and-pink.html ), and before this struggle, I thought I was getting a good handle on trusting God, surrendering control to Him. Also, for so long, I thought I was giving my struggle to God, giving Him my pain, and placing it all in His hands. So then why was I continually falling apart at the slightest reminder of my pain? Why was it still there, thinly veiled beneath the surface, continually threatening to break through and consume me? Surely trusting God, resting in His care, didn't mean barely holding on, scarcely holding it together.
As I cried and prayed and pondered, God slowly began to show me things, to help me understand. God is so faithful - I come to Him broken, hurt, angry, seeking His help and he shows me pieces of Himself, of His heart. And it is beautiful. And in these moments, at the end of me, humbled and broken, God began to teach me - all along I had been saying "Ok, I'm gonna trust God with this. It's His, it's in His hands." I was saying all the right words, but in my heart of hearts, I was using those words to feel like a good Christian, and just shoving my pain away, stuffing it deep into the recesses of my heart. And there, in darkness and in secret, it would fester, an open wound, ready to cause pain at the slightest bump. I know what to say - I've gone to church my whole life, learned the verses, studied in Bible college. The attitude and condition of my heart did not match the words coming from my lips. My "trust" was lip service, not surrender. And only surrender can begin the healing process.
Giving something to the Lord means acknowledging the pain, feeling the heartache, letting the hurt matter. I had to let myself feel the pain, the ache, to tell God how I felt. Placing a deep desire, and the pain and fear that accompany it, into the hands of God requires hard work. A deliberate choice. It means cutting that desire and pain free from my need to be in control. Cutting through the thorns and brambles into the deepest places in my heart. Feeling the raw pain of both my longing and my flesh as I deliberately uproot and place it into the hands of God. And you know what? I can't do it.
And that is precisely the point.
I told God, "Oh, I want to dig this up, to uproot it and give it to You. But I can't. It's too hard, too painful. But I also know I can't carry this anymore. It's too heavy."
And in that moment, it was as if God gathered me in His arms and said, "Don't you see? I don't want you to dig it all up, uproot and unpack your pain and give it to me then. I want to sit beside you and help you each step." And once again, as with every other moment of need in my life, and I'm sure every moment of need in the future, God came through, and showed me a piece of His heart.
He will sit beside me and gently help me untangle every root, every thorn, every obstacle between me and my surrender,
He is there to weep with me in my pain.
He is there to sing sweet songs to strengthen my soul.
His hands hold me together, and His shoulders are strong for me when I fall apart.
He is there to impart His all-sufficient grace.
HE. IS. THERE. Immanuel, God with us. God our provider. God the healer. The Lord Almighty.
I am one who finds emotional release and relief through music and praise. And in this time, God brought me two new songs. One is "Trust His Heart"
"God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand - trust His heart"
And the other "What If Your Best"
"And I want Your best
But what if Your best is brokenness
Would I be broken?
And I want Your best
But what if it's less than what I ask
Than what I'm hoping?
And what if Your best is here in the waiting
Here in the going through the motions?
I'll still be trusting all I am
And all I have
To nothing less than the Potter's hands."
Therefore, in light of all these things, I find that for surrender to be more than just lip service, it's going to take more than just me. It's going to require me drawing on the inexhaustible strength of I AM to walk through the pain and fear that accompany surrender. It will take time. And sometimes it takes coming to a place of complete brokenness to receive the humility to surrender.
And that is why I am convinced that sometimes God's best for me is brokenness.
For only when He brings me back to brokenness and humility can I truly rest in Him. Only when I stagger and fall under the weight of my struggle and my stubbornness can He show me how He alone is strong enough to carry my burdens. Only when I reach a place where I am weak can He show me how truly strong He is.
To be honest, God and I are still in the unpacking and uprooting process. But here, in brokenness, I can see the beauty in what God is doing. I can see there is purpose to my pain. I can see, firsthand, the risen Lord bringing beauty from ashes, bringing about something new. And what He has shown me not only teaches me to trust Him for all I have not yet seen, I also know this - if He can use this pain to bring fame and glory to His name, then I will be still, "Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations; I will be exalted in the earth."
Be exalted O Lord, my Rock, my redeemer, my strength.
