"But Even If You Don't..."

        The other night some things got real again in the struggle for a baby. I was pseudo-teasing my husband about how he never seems to want to hold other people’s babies.  In contrast, I have baby radar -  I see a baby, and all I want to do is hold that baby.  But he doesn’t seem to want to as often.  I asked him, “So are you just less of a baby person and more of a kid person?”  He told me, “No, I just want to hold my own baby.”  I was caught off guard - he is usually focused on taking care of my ever-changing emotions, and it was a good reminder that this struggle is one we face as a couple.

Later on, he asked me if I was ok.  I told him I was sorry for being so moody the last few weeks; I’m just feeling sad.  It’s frustrating to see him with kids and see how great he is with them, and not be able to give him his own children.  I feel like my body is betraying both of us, like it is unfair to him that the woman he married is having so much trouble getting pregnant.  I just never thought it would be this hard.

And if that isn’t enough, now, when I think about getting pregnant, I’m filled with fear about miscarriage.  I know the statistics - women with PCOS are highly susceptible to miscarry.  I worry that even when I DO finally fall pregnant, that I won’t be able to feel the joy, for the fear of the possibility of losing the baby.  PCOS has already robbed me of the natural process of conceiving, now it threatens to rob me of the joy I should get to feel in pregnancy.  And what if all I can do is get pregnant, but am never able to carry to term?  I don’t know what would be worse - to never be able to conceive, or to conceive and miscarry, -  to have life in my womb but never know my child.

I know that God is good. I know that God is mighty. I know that He can heal my body, my hormones, my ovaries with a single word if He so desired.  I know he has the power to protect a child He places in my womb if He so chooses.  I also know that He is able to soothe and heal my wounds, and has the power to protect me from depression and a spirit of discouragement.  It’s hard not knowing which path I am going to walk, which circumstances He is going to lead me through - whether paths of joy and healing, or paths through deep waters.  I have no way of knowing if this path of struggle ends with the joy of received healing - like Hannah, like Rachel, like Elizabeth, or if this struggle ends a different way than I expect - like Job. What I do know is that God wants to use my struggle for His glory.  But how?  In what way will He use this pain?  I still struggle to understand HOW He can and will bring good.  I have to wrestle with the dissonance between what God is able to do and what God chooses to do.  Sometimes He may choose to intervene and save His child from the painful path, and sometimes He may ask me to walk the painful road, testing and refining my faith, His purpose in the pain hidden for now.

I think of Corrie ten Boom - held in Ravensbruck concentration camp, under those cruel and inhuman conditions.  Fleas, bitter cold, insufficient food, hard labor, torture - psychological and physical.  At any moment, she could have been spared, God could have made it so she didn’t have to go at all.  And yet, she walked that road - a road filled with suffering and sorrow.  So why?  (Not why does God allow suffering at all - that is another subject, perhaps for another time).  Why does God sometimes allow His children to travel thorny ways?  To experience great grief?  When I stop to consider the life of Corrie ten Boom, it is easy to feel sorry for her, to wish away her experiences. But until the end of her life, Corrie saw only what beauty God brought from her pain.  Her experiences gave her the greatest treasure of her life - closer fellowship with God.  And out of that, countless books, devotionals, motivational speeches - all calling on fellow Christians to fully trust, fully lean on Christ in every moment, every struggle of their lives.  These are just a few of the words of wisdom from her incredible life.

“There is no pit so deep, that God’s love is not deeper still.”

“In order to realize the worth of the anchor we need to feel the stress of the storm.”

“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.”

God took her pain, the path He asked her to walk, and asked her to trust Him and not her own understanding, and out of that, He has used her life to encourage and help countless others in their moments of need.  He is “the God who comforts us in our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”  He has a purpose for each circumstance He allows us to walk through, even if we cannot yet see it ourselves.  I’ll let Corrie take it from here:

The Weaving

“My life is but a weaving

Between my God and me

I cannot choose the colors

He weaveth steadily

Oft times He weaveth sorrow

And I in foolish pride

Forget He sees the upper

And I the underside

Not til the loom is silent

And the shuttles cease to fly

Will God unroll the canvas

And reveal the reason why

The dark threads are as needful

In the weaver’s skillful hands

As the threads of gold and silver

In the pattern He has planned

He knows, He loves, He cares

Nothing this truth can dim

He gives the very best to those

Who leave the choice to Him.”

In it all, I continue to hope for healing and a joyous end - a baby in my arms, fruit of my womb.  I must learn to walk the road, knowing it is ok to feel pain - to weep, to cry out, to experience sadness.  I must learn to walk the road and not let pain become bitterness, or surrender become apathy  I don’t know how to walk this path, how to deal with the future hills and valleys.  Oh God, I need strength - sufficient for each new day, to walk the road set before me each morning, to trust in You with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding.  I know You are supremely worth knowing, and the my hope is in You no matter my circumstance.  No pain will cause me to mistrust Your love, no darkness too deep to cause me to cease seeking Your face.

“I know You’re able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don’t

My hope is You alone.

I know the sorrow and I know the hurt 

Would all go away if You just say the word

But even if You don’t

My hope is You alone.”

I'd Do Anything

"I'd do ANYTHING.  


ANY. THING.


Whatever it takes, I'll do it."

So goes my inner dialogue whenever I think about being a mother.  I'd do ANYTHING to be able to get pregnant.

For those of you who have been following my journey, you know that my husband and I have been trying to start a family for about 2 years now, to no avail.  In February, I finally went to see my doctor about it.  Long story short, she diagnosed me with Poly-Cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS).  PCOS is a condition which affects a woman's hormone levels, causing her to produce too much testosterone and androgens, and too little estrogen and progesterone.  This, in turn, causes excessive hair growth, irregular or stopped periods, acne, ovarian cysts, weight gain, insulin resistance, depression, anxiety and other fun and exciting symptoms.

While the diagnosis probably should have dealt a crushing blow, I instead found myself relieved.  Relieved because the diagnosis validated all I am dealing with.  I'm not just crazy - there is something wrong with my body.  It has a name, it has predictable symptoms, and it can be treated!  That is not to say it isn't complicated. My doctor gave me some medication to help, but I began to research PCOS and how to treat it naturally.

A fellow PCOS cyst-er directed me to www.smartfertilitychoices.com, run by Kym Campbell.  There I found a wealth of information about PCOS and it's relation to diet and exercise.  While researching, it became clear that getting pregnant would require a major lifestyle change.  Kym runs a 30 day challenge, wherein she provides recipies, tips, and other encouragement to change your eating.  To summarize - I am now off sugar, gluten, white carbs, dairy, and excess caffeine.  For this coffee-loving, cheese-on-top-of-everything chocoholic, that was a HUGE blow!  As I started to follow the dietary guidelines, I noticed distinct differences between when I ate right (energy, decreased symptomes, weight loss) and when I ate whatever I wanted to (nausea, lethargy, more acne, bloating).

However, even with these changes, I was still unwilling to give up cheese, my 2nd -5th cups of coffee, and some sugars.  I told myself, "Well, I'm eating some of the right things; I just can't give up _________."

A few days ago, after yet another negative pregnancy test, I sighed once more, "I'd do anything to be pregnant."  All at once I remembered my unwillingness to give up some of my favorite foods.

 Anything?

Knocked off my feet, I considered - in 10 years, do I want to look back and think, "Well, I never had kids, but at least I got to eat cheese and drink sugary coffee."?  And here is where discipline begins - what do I want MOST?  The instant gratification - that chocolate, that ice cream - or am I willing to put in the work toward being able to have a child - something I've dreamed about ever since I can remember?

And it was in this paradigm shift, I began to see a theme in life.  How often do we, as Christians, say "I'd do ANYTHING for You, Lord!  I'd give ANYthing to know You and follow You" - only be unwilling to give up the things standing in the way?  And often, it is not grand gestures God requires (selling your house and moving to Africa, etc) but rather those everyday habits and things we enjoy.  Maybe it's giving up a weeknight for that church ministry, ceasing to watch that show or listen to that music that makes your walk with the Lord difficult, or takes your thoughts places they shouldn't go.  Maybe it's giving up that weekly coffee in order to tithe, or waking up a little earlier to spend time in prayer and the Word.  He requires different things from all of us.  In my own life, it is most often the little things where I have the most difficulty faithfully following.

It is said "discipline is deciding between what you want most, and what you want right now."  As I consider my life, what I want most is fellowship with the Lord and to be able to get pregnant. (In that order).  And if those things are truly what I want most, then the discipline and sacrifice will all be worthwhile.  And while there is a chance that even if I eat perfectly and do all the right things for PCOS there is no guarantee I will be able to have a baby, I know that if I am willing to practice those small disciplines the Lord asks of me,  it WILL bring me closer to Him, and allow me to know Him more deeply.  If I am willing to make sacrifices and changes for something for which there is no guarantee, how much more should I be willing to do what my Lord asks for the certainty of Him?

So, what is it in your life that finds you saying,"I'd do ANYTHING for ___________!"  What changes do you need to make in order to have that?  Are you willing to undergo the necessary discipline and trade momentary satisfaction for something lasting?

Are you willing to ask the Lord to look into your life and begin the pruning process? Are you willing do undergo His discipline as He begins to chisel away all that does not conform to Christ?

Note: One of the most important parts of this new diet and lifestyle is accountability - someone to remind me when I'm tempted about what I want most.  It is the same with the Christian life.  Find someone who knows what changes you are trying to make, what things God is asking of you, to help keep you on track.  We often cannot make lasting change without community.

Blessings as you begin or continue the discipline process! (And if you see me about to eat too much cheese - remind me that it's less important that a baby! ;)  )