My Breastfeeding Journey

 Beautiful, thankful, nurturing, accomplished.

 If asked to describe my breastfeeding journey, I would certainly refer to the words above.  In addition, I would also have to include the following:

Frustrating.  Exhausting.  Time consuming. Unexpected.

It’s all so very 2020.

Before giving birth, I had assumed breastfeeding would take on a typical look: a lot of learning in the first day or so, sore nipples, and all the other uncomfortable but usual things that come with breastfeeding.  My mom never had any issues, and neither did her mom, so naturally, all would fall into place.  Breastfeeding is a natural process after all, right?  If you are familiar with my journey, and how well “natural processes” work out for me -  PCOS, 3 years of infertility, the risk factors and issues I had during pregnancy, and the complications leading up to my emergency c section, you’re probably wondering why I assumed that breastfeeding would be any different.  Call me a crazy optimist. Or just laugh at me.  Whatever.  It’s 2020 and I don’t care anymore. 😂

The night Janessa was born, the nurses came in to help me try to breastfeed.  Since I was still VERY drugged from my c section, I tried to tell them “No thanks, I’m sleeping”  But I think what came out was “Nnnthksis, mimsliping”   I vaguely remember Tanner saying something to the effect of “Can we just supplement with formula or something tonight?” before I slipped out of consciousness again.

The next morning, I finally got to try breastfeeding my daughter.  The hospital brought in a lactation consultant to walk me through the process, and help Janessa latch properly.  Janessa got a good latch, but my milk hadn’t come in yet, and I didn’t have much colostrum.  Janessa, being hungry, and less than 24 hours old, decided this situation was a rip off.  Cue the screaming - angry, loud, purple screaming. (and I get it, I’m pretty emotional when I’m hungry too).  Thankfully, our nurse had just returned from an international breastfeeding convention, and she worked tirelessly to help me learn different methods of feeding from other countries and different positions I could hold Janessa to help make feeding easier. (I also pumped several times that day to encourage my supply to come in).  By this time, my poor nipples were raw and red, but we finally found a few things I could do to help her latch.

By the next evening (Dec 6th), Janessa could latch, but would almost immediately fall asleep.  I had tried everything - a cool washcloth, feeding her uncovered, gently playing with her feet or tickling her neck - to keep her awake, but nothing worked.  I didn’t mind letting her comfort nurse, but she also needed the nutrition, since as soon as she would wake up, she would cry, and refuse to latch and try again.  So, every two hours, I would try to nurse her and get her to eat as much as possible, pump what I could, and Tanner would feed her with a syringe so I could sleep until the next nursing session an hour later.  We did this for 2 days.  It was exhausting and frustrating, but I wanted to push through.  I knew it would take a few extra days for my milk to fully come in, and we went home on the 8th, full of hope and optimism.

Over the next week or so, I worked and worked at nursing.  Since she was a little jaundiced, and had lost over 10% of her birthweight, the doctor wanted me to wake her up to feed her every 2 to 2.5 hours.  Unfortunately, Janessa takes after both her parents, and is dead to the world once she’s asleep.  I would wake her enough to get her to latch (and thank goodness for breast shields - they saved my poor nipples!), she would eat for maybe a minute, and fall asleep again.  It was so frustrating.  I was so tired.  So weary. So discouraged.  Why can’t I get this right?  What is wrong with me?   Sometimes we could get a good feeding session, but most of the time she wouldn’t stay latched, or wouldn’t stay awake.  So we kept on syringe feeding to make sure she was getting enough and to allow me to get some much needed rest.  I would pump and then Tanner would syringe feed.  Once my milk came in, I worked at getting her to nurse more.  But we faced the same struggles.  I was frustrated with her, with myself, and with everything.  The most frustrating thing is when something isn’t working and it’s no one’s fault.  

When Janessa was about 4 weeks old, we started bottle feeding at night to save my mental health.  Before this, Tanner would routinely find me crying right alongside Janessa at 3am as I struggled to get her to stay awake and eat, and then try to get her back to sleep so I could pump and keep my supply up.

By my 6 week postpartum appointment, nursing had become my #1 source of stress.  Janessa would latch fine, but wouldn’t finish nursing.  Tanner and I joked that she didn’t want to work for her milk, she just wanted it poured down her throat.  Try and try as we might, I couldn’t make this work for us. Pumping was much easier for me, physically, and I was able to gauge how much Janessa was eating.  At my appointment, I told Dr. Brewer that I was seriously considering exclusively pumping, for my own mental health, but that it made me feel selfish to think that way. Whenever I thought about it, I would think, “What kind of mother am I, that I don’t WANT to nurse like this?  Shouldn’t I want to do this?  Shouldn’t I try harder?”  The idea of going to EP brought on the mom guilt, but trying to nurse had me feeling like a failure. Dr. Brewer listened kindly, then asked me, “What do you think is more important?  Janessa being painstakingly breastfed by a perpetually stressed out mom, or being fed breastmilk from a bottle from a mama who is relaxed and happier?  You aren’t giving up or being selfish.  You are finding a way to breastfeed that protects your health too.”  Freed by her words, I kicked that mom-guilt to the curb.

So, my exclusive pumping journey began.  I tried to pump 7 times a day, 3 hours apart.  It took a little creative juggling, but I made it work - between having Tanner take Janessa before he left for work, waking up early, going to bed late, and pumping during nap times.  I was up to about 38oz per day by February - and then I got mastitis.  My supply took a hit, so I took several supplements, used a couple essential oils,  and tried eating different kinds of foods to get it back up. I never got back to 38oz, but plateaued at about 33 oz per day, which was more than sufficient, and managed a decent stockpile in the freezer.  

By May, we were fairly confident that Janessa had a dairy intolerance, so I switched to a dairy free diet and donated the almost 500oz of stored milk in my freezer - which hurt, but also I was so happy to be able to donate to some other babies in need! (And of course, as luck would have it, Janessa tolerated dairy just fine less than 2 months later).

I continued pumping, spending roughly 3 hours per day attached to the pump, and teaching Janessa to play independently so Mama could pump milk for her.  To keep my supply up, I would power pump once or twice per day and worked to stay hydrated.  An unexpected complication from pumping was weight gain.  Pumping made me hungry, hungry, HUNGRY, and for whatever reason, I couldn’t work out while breastfeeding.  (I know many women can, and do, but whenever I would work out, my supply would drop by almost 5 oz.).  I gained back all the baby weight I had lost, and now weigh the same as when I was 9 months pregnant.  The frustration took an unexpected toll on my self image, and I regret how few family pictures we have from Janessa’s first year as a result of the insecurities I faced.

By the end of October, I was OVER. IT.  Having stored up a decent supply in my freezer, I decided to cut back from 6 times per day down to 4, a week later down to 3, then 2 and finally, on November 25th, I pumped for the last time.  I expected to feel some pangs of sadness, but honestly, I have never been so relieved.  I’m excited to have time to myself in the morning to do my devotions, and have the freedom to exercise again.  

All in all, this journey has been nothing like what I expected or imagined, nor is it something I wish to repeat if I can avoid it, but I am so thankful I was able to provide breastmilk for my daughter and all it’s amazing benefits!  Fellow Mamas, all this stuff is so hard, and for many there are no easy answers.  Do what you need to do for your baby’s health and for yours - nursing, pumping, formula, etc - keep loving and feeding your babies! You all are amazing!

Janessa's Birth

Janessa Beverly Koellmann - 12/05/2019

December 4^th, 2019 – 38 weeks, 6 days

3:30 PM - 

I had an appointment with my OB to determine how we were going to proceed.  We had decided on an induction a few weeks before, as she did not want me to go past 39 weeks, due to complications and risk factors associated with Gestational Diabetes and Hypertension of Pregnancy during the last week of pregnancy.  Tanner and I went in, and Janessa was in position, but had not yet dropped, and I was dilated less than 1 cm.  Dr. Brewer decided to bring me in later that night to begin the induction process.

We went home, had dinner, and loaded our hospital bags into the car. My mom, who would also be present during labor and delivery, would meet us at the hospital.  As we drove, a sense of excitement and apprehension filled my soul.  We were checking into the hospital, and when we left, we’d be parents! – This thing we had dreamed about, hoped for, prayed for – finally upon us.

8:00 PM - 

Check in, get settled, meet the nurses.  The whole thing felt surreal.  Once we got settled, our nurse, Amy, gave me prostaglandin to begin the induction process.  Once that got started, there was nothing to do but wait.  I probably should have slept, but I was too excited, waiting for labor to begin.  Around 11 pm, I started having small irregular contractions.  Since I was already at the hospital, I didn’t need to time them…but I did anyway.😉  In a strange way, I couldn’t wait for labor to progress, and finally get to meet my baby girl!

I finally fell asleep around 3 am, and slept until 7 am shift change.

December 5^th, 2019

7:00 AM– 

Shift change.  Our nurse’s name was Terri (she was AMAZING💓).  She checked on my contractions, and I was dilated about 2 cm by this point.  Dr. Brewer came to check in, and told us to continue as we were until 2 pm.  If I wasn’t showing significant progression by then, we would start the Pitocin.  Nurse Terri looked over my birth plan – I had left everything on the table as far as pain management.  My plan was to start with no pain meds, and see how things progressed.  Nurse Terri talked with Tanner and me about different ways to manage pain naturally – breathing, labor ball, leaning, etc. I remember being so glad that she wanted to help me "do labor" naturally as far as I was able.  She told me, "I love that you left everything on the table.  Your body has all the tools to be able to do this naturally, but also know that if you want an epidural, that is 100% your decision.  You know your body and your own pain tolerance.  Do what is best for you and your baby."

11:00 AM–

 Still in early labor.  Mom went out to get lunch for her and Tanner. My contractions were probably a 3 or 4 out of 10 at this point.  I soaked in the labor tub for awhile and just savored the time with Tanner.

1:00 PM– 

Dr. Brewer did an exam, and I was still only dilated about 2.5 cm.  We decided to begin Pitocin in an hour.  I got my “last meal” before baby – clear liquids – jello, chicken broth, etc.  So filling….not! Ha!

2:00 PM– 

Began Pitocin.  Oh man – once we got going, I went from 3 cm to 5 cm pretty darn quick.  The contractions quickly became more regular and intense.  Tanner was by my side every moment, Mom filling in when Tanner needed restroom breaks, but otherwise it was he and I.  As my pain jumped to 5/10 and 6/10, nurse Terri brought me a yoga ball, and taught me to gently rock side to side with each contraction to help with the pain. She helped me breathe through each contraction and helped Tanner coach me through. (I honestly don’t know what I would have done without her). 

4:00 PM- 

Increased Pitocin.  Contractions came even more intense and closer together.  To help manage my pain, Terri raised the bed, so I could lean over and support my weight on the bed.  I held (squeezed) Tanner’s hand and listened to the playlist I had made for labor, and tried to breathe and focus through each wave of pain.  People say that labor pain is difficult to describe, and it’s true.  Not exactly like terrible cramps, but sort of.  It’s strange – pain yes, but pain that is leading to something wonderful.

4:30 PM –

 Dr. Brewer called and planned to come break my water around 5:30.  At 5:20, I felt something funny and told Tanner, “Um, I think my water *gush* ….just broke.” 😮(Possible TMI – my water breaking is by far one of the WEIRDEST sensations I have ever experienced.  It’s nothing like in the movies – a little splash and then done.  No, it just kept going!).  About 2 min after my water broke, Dr. Brewer came in.  I remember apologizing for making a mess on the floor, and she just told me, “There’s a reason we don’t have carpet in here.”😂

5:30 PM –

After my water broke, within about 2 contractions my pain went from 7/10 (wow this sucks, but I can get through it), to about 15/10 – (Oh my gosh, someone has 2 chisels and they are trying to rip my pelvis apart). I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think.  I began to cry with every contraction. 

At this point I turned to Tanner and said – “I can’t. I want the epidural.”

 I turned to Nurse Terri, through tears and searing pain “Please. Give me the epidural.”

She told me that the process would take about an hour before the anesthesiologist would be able to administer the epidural.  They attached a bag of fluid to my I.V. and began the process (When she told me it would take an hour, I said, “Fine. Then I want an epidural an hour ago.)

While we waited, Tanner helped me push through each contraction.  They were about 60-90 seconds long and coming every 2 min, giving me 30 seconds between each one. (Around this time, Riley and Alyssa stopped by to deliver something to my mom.  Riley came in, heard the crying and hightailed it out into the waiting room😆)  Dr. Brewer came to do another exam.  We began to notice that with every contraction, Janessa’s heart rate dipped significantly – from the 140s down to 110 and even all the way down to 90 a few times.  As the contraction waned, her heartbeat would jump back up.  Dr. Brewer said that sometimes this is caused by the cord getting pinched when the fluid is gone.  She did a quick procedure to mimic the fluid being back in the uterus.  She explained that right now, the dip in Janessa’s heart rate wasn’t distress, but more like holding your breath with each contraction.   However, even after the procedure, Janessa’s heart rate continued to dip each contraction.

 

The anesthesiologist finally arrived. He worked quickly and efficiently to give me the epidural.  The worst part was the contraction that came on right when he needed me to be perfectly still.  There was a lot of screaming (Riley said they could hear me from the waiting room) and although I don’t recall, Tanner says there was a fair amount of swearing as well. 😂 Other than that, the epidural went off without a hitch, and within a few minutes, my pain subsided significantly.

6:30 PM –

Even with the epidural, Janessa’s heart rate continued to dip with each contraction, and it seemed like it was taking longer and longer to come back up.  Dr. Brewer came in to do another exam.  I was dilated 8 cm, but Janessa had not begun to drop to where she needed to be yet, and her head was tilted slightly, meaning I likely had several hours of labor/pushing left.  Dr. Brewer took a look at the heart rate and the general trend, and said that what she saw pointed toward an issue with the placenta – namely, a quickly expiring placenta.  She presented us with our options: 1). Keep laboring another 30 to 60 min and see what happens. Janessa was stressed, but not in distress yet. We could continue to labor to see if she progressed, turned her head, etc.  2). Opt for a C section.  I looked at Tanner, and we both looked at Dr. Brewer and said, “Do the C Section.”

From the moment we made that decision, a heavenly peace fell over my body.  In that moment, I knew it was the right decision. 

7:00 PM – Shift change (of course, I would make a decision to do a C Section right at shift change).  Nurse Amy took over and Terri filled her in on the day’s events.  As Dr. Brewer prepped the O.R., the anesthesiologist came to prep me for anesthesia (at this point, I was grateful we had gotten the epidural, as it made the transition to C Section much quicker and easier.) As everyone got everything ready (Tanner changed into scrubs, Nurse Amy got me ready, etc), I kept my eyes on the heart rate monitor, and willed the heartbeat to come back up after each contraction. At one point, one of the nurses looked at the anesthesiologist and said, “Are they ready yet? We need to GO.”

8:00 PM –

They wheeled me into the O.R. and moved me to the surgery table. The anesthesiologist administered the anesthesia, and I couldn’t feel a thing from my chest down.  He was wonderful.  He kept watch over the curtain and let us know exactly what they were doing. 

8:17 PM –

The most stressful part of the day for me was from the moment they made the first cut, to the moment I heard Janessa’s first cries.  And they were beautiful – strong, loud, healthy cries.  Our baby girl was finally here!  At last I had given birth!  Tanner went to watch while they cleaned and wrapped her up.  The moment they first put her in my arms is one I will never forget.  All the heartache, the tears, the waiting, the pain, the stress, all of it melted away in that one, sweet moment.  I held her on my chest (with Tanner’s support, since I couldn’t feel my arms), and breathed in the moment and cried, and laughed and gazed at my daughter in wonder and awe.

Shortly after, Tanner took her back to our room to meet Grandma and Grandpa Anderson, as well as Riley and Alyssa.  After coming back to the room, even with the delirium from fatigue, anesthesia and morphine setting in, I could not get enough of the baby snuggles, of knowing this was MY daughter, the one we had waited so long for.  Worth it all – the waiting, the wondering, the labor and birth. 

As it turned out, the decision to proceed with the C section was the right one.  Janessa had the cord wrapped around her neck a few times, but more startlingly, when Dr. Brewer pulled Janessa out, my placenta came right out with her.  It was completely DONE.  Had we waited, she would have gone into distress as the placenta continued to expire and we would have ended up with a crash C section or possibly losing her entirely.  Furthermore, after considering how the birth process had gone, and the fact that Janessa had never engaged or dropped, it is likely that my pelvis was too small for her to have passed through (we have a history of this issue in my family - it's actually the reason that my own birth was via C section).  I am forever thankful to God for the wisdom of my OB.  From beginning to end of pregnancy she listened, took every precaution with all of my risk factors (PCOS, Gestational Diabetes, Hypertension), and researched to make sure she could present me with all of the options available to me.

It was surely a crazy day, from a slow start to a whirlwind finish, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world.