My Breastfeeding Journey

 Beautiful, thankful, nurturing, accomplished.

 If asked to describe my breastfeeding journey, I would certainly refer to the words above.  In addition, I would also have to include the following:

Frustrating.  Exhausting.  Time consuming. Unexpected.

It’s all so very 2020.

Before giving birth, I had assumed breastfeeding would take on a typical look: a lot of learning in the first day or so, sore nipples, and all the other uncomfortable but usual things that come with breastfeeding.  My mom never had any issues, and neither did her mom, so naturally, all would fall into place.  Breastfeeding is a natural process after all, right?  If you are familiar with my journey, and how well “natural processes” work out for me -  PCOS, 3 years of infertility, the risk factors and issues I had during pregnancy, and the complications leading up to my emergency c section, you’re probably wondering why I assumed that breastfeeding would be any different.  Call me a crazy optimist. Or just laugh at me.  Whatever.  It’s 2020 and I don’t care anymore. 😂

The night Janessa was born, the nurses came in to help me try to breastfeed.  Since I was still VERY drugged from my c section, I tried to tell them “No thanks, I’m sleeping”  But I think what came out was “Nnnthksis, mimsliping”   I vaguely remember Tanner saying something to the effect of “Can we just supplement with formula or something tonight?” before I slipped out of consciousness again.

The next morning, I finally got to try breastfeeding my daughter.  The hospital brought in a lactation consultant to walk me through the process, and help Janessa latch properly.  Janessa got a good latch, but my milk hadn’t come in yet, and I didn’t have much colostrum.  Janessa, being hungry, and less than 24 hours old, decided this situation was a rip off.  Cue the screaming - angry, loud, purple screaming. (and I get it, I’m pretty emotional when I’m hungry too).  Thankfully, our nurse had just returned from an international breastfeeding convention, and she worked tirelessly to help me learn different methods of feeding from other countries and different positions I could hold Janessa to help make feeding easier. (I also pumped several times that day to encourage my supply to come in).  By this time, my poor nipples were raw and red, but we finally found a few things I could do to help her latch.

By the next evening (Dec 6th), Janessa could latch, but would almost immediately fall asleep.  I had tried everything - a cool washcloth, feeding her uncovered, gently playing with her feet or tickling her neck - to keep her awake, but nothing worked.  I didn’t mind letting her comfort nurse, but she also needed the nutrition, since as soon as she would wake up, she would cry, and refuse to latch and try again.  So, every two hours, I would try to nurse her and get her to eat as much as possible, pump what I could, and Tanner would feed her with a syringe so I could sleep until the next nursing session an hour later.  We did this for 2 days.  It was exhausting and frustrating, but I wanted to push through.  I knew it would take a few extra days for my milk to fully come in, and we went home on the 8th, full of hope and optimism.

Over the next week or so, I worked and worked at nursing.  Since she was a little jaundiced, and had lost over 10% of her birthweight, the doctor wanted me to wake her up to feed her every 2 to 2.5 hours.  Unfortunately, Janessa takes after both her parents, and is dead to the world once she’s asleep.  I would wake her enough to get her to latch (and thank goodness for breast shields - they saved my poor nipples!), she would eat for maybe a minute, and fall asleep again.  It was so frustrating.  I was so tired.  So weary. So discouraged.  Why can’t I get this right?  What is wrong with me?   Sometimes we could get a good feeding session, but most of the time she wouldn’t stay latched, or wouldn’t stay awake.  So we kept on syringe feeding to make sure she was getting enough and to allow me to get some much needed rest.  I would pump and then Tanner would syringe feed.  Once my milk came in, I worked at getting her to nurse more.  But we faced the same struggles.  I was frustrated with her, with myself, and with everything.  The most frustrating thing is when something isn’t working and it’s no one’s fault.  

When Janessa was about 4 weeks old, we started bottle feeding at night to save my mental health.  Before this, Tanner would routinely find me crying right alongside Janessa at 3am as I struggled to get her to stay awake and eat, and then try to get her back to sleep so I could pump and keep my supply up.

By my 6 week postpartum appointment, nursing had become my #1 source of stress.  Janessa would latch fine, but wouldn’t finish nursing.  Tanner and I joked that she didn’t want to work for her milk, she just wanted it poured down her throat.  Try and try as we might, I couldn’t make this work for us. Pumping was much easier for me, physically, and I was able to gauge how much Janessa was eating.  At my appointment, I told Dr. Brewer that I was seriously considering exclusively pumping, for my own mental health, but that it made me feel selfish to think that way. Whenever I thought about it, I would think, “What kind of mother am I, that I don’t WANT to nurse like this?  Shouldn’t I want to do this?  Shouldn’t I try harder?”  The idea of going to EP brought on the mom guilt, but trying to nurse had me feeling like a failure. Dr. Brewer listened kindly, then asked me, “What do you think is more important?  Janessa being painstakingly breastfed by a perpetually stressed out mom, or being fed breastmilk from a bottle from a mama who is relaxed and happier?  You aren’t giving up or being selfish.  You are finding a way to breastfeed that protects your health too.”  Freed by her words, I kicked that mom-guilt to the curb.

So, my exclusive pumping journey began.  I tried to pump 7 times a day, 3 hours apart.  It took a little creative juggling, but I made it work - between having Tanner take Janessa before he left for work, waking up early, going to bed late, and pumping during nap times.  I was up to about 38oz per day by February - and then I got mastitis.  My supply took a hit, so I took several supplements, used a couple essential oils,  and tried eating different kinds of foods to get it back up. I never got back to 38oz, but plateaued at about 33 oz per day, which was more than sufficient, and managed a decent stockpile in the freezer.  

By May, we were fairly confident that Janessa had a dairy intolerance, so I switched to a dairy free diet and donated the almost 500oz of stored milk in my freezer - which hurt, but also I was so happy to be able to donate to some other babies in need! (And of course, as luck would have it, Janessa tolerated dairy just fine less than 2 months later).

I continued pumping, spending roughly 3 hours per day attached to the pump, and teaching Janessa to play independently so Mama could pump milk for her.  To keep my supply up, I would power pump once or twice per day and worked to stay hydrated.  An unexpected complication from pumping was weight gain.  Pumping made me hungry, hungry, HUNGRY, and for whatever reason, I couldn’t work out while breastfeeding.  (I know many women can, and do, but whenever I would work out, my supply would drop by almost 5 oz.).  I gained back all the baby weight I had lost, and now weigh the same as when I was 9 months pregnant.  The frustration took an unexpected toll on my self image, and I regret how few family pictures we have from Janessa’s first year as a result of the insecurities I faced.

By the end of October, I was OVER. IT.  Having stored up a decent supply in my freezer, I decided to cut back from 6 times per day down to 4, a week later down to 3, then 2 and finally, on November 25th, I pumped for the last time.  I expected to feel some pangs of sadness, but honestly, I have never been so relieved.  I’m excited to have time to myself in the morning to do my devotions, and have the freedom to exercise again.  

All in all, this journey has been nothing like what I expected or imagined, nor is it something I wish to repeat if I can avoid it, but I am so thankful I was able to provide breastmilk for my daughter and all it’s amazing benefits!  Fellow Mamas, all this stuff is so hard, and for many there are no easy answers.  Do what you need to do for your baby’s health and for yours - nursing, pumping, formula, etc - keep loving and feeding your babies! You all are amazing!