Yes, here it is again, the yearly "marriage anniversary" blog. I may make this an annual thing, share what I've learned each passing year of marriage. We'll see how quickly I run out of revelations and life lesssons. Ha.
Our first year of marriage was filled with all those crazy moments of learning how to do life together - navigating the beautiful mess of blending two, individual lives into a single, shared life. It was a year of discovery, new surprises and blunders along the way. Year one was learning what it meant to be a wife, learning to adult (semi-successfully). This year, we found a rhythm, learning to predict, swerve, and adjust when life throws little curveballs. In this second year, I feel I only learned a few things, but they touch all areas of life, of our marriage.
Year one was about learning the little ideosyncracies that make up the man I married.
Year two involved discovering more of who he is, inside and out, knowing him more deeply and completely, learning just we were in for in this crazy, beautiful life. This year, I learned more about the man God is making and has shaped him into. These are the lessons and revelations from our second year.
First, I learned it doesn't matter if money is tight. By this I mean - no matter our finances, I love that man more than ever. Comfortable finances may equal more vacations, fancy things, and I know it tends to equal less daily stress, but it does not and cannot measure the amount of love in my marriage. And I am overjoyed to walk into the rest of my marriage knowing that Tanner's love for me, and mine for him, is in no way dependent upon a bank account balance. To know that whether we have $1 million or $10, whether we have "wiggle room" or are living hand to mouth, I love that man to the moon and back - I have since I was 18, and I always will. To know that love and committment is not tied in any way to financial security or uncertainty gives me great joy.
Second, they say before you get married, one of the most important questions to ask is, "Do I want to suffer with this person?" Because one guarantee in life is pain - it will come, regardless of finances, class, job, color, or any other factor in life. We all walk through pain and sorrow. I remember telling Tanner a few months before our wedding that he was the one I wanted to experience life's joys with, and the one I wanted to walk with me through deepest sorrow. And this year, I began to experience the importance of having chosen the right person to suffer with. And, Jesus be praised, I have chosen well.
This year, we have faced and are facing a good deal of uncertainty and sorrow in our difficulties starting a family. And through every meltdown, every negative test, every tear-filled evening, Tanner is there. When I am a mess, he is steady and sure. He loves, comforts, protects, and prays for me and with me. When I feel like giving up, he hold me, he remains supportive and sure, ever hopeful and encouraging. He has researched other ways of being a parent - if it ever comes to that - and shows me ways in which my longing to be a mother is even now being fulfilled. I chose the right man to suffer alongside, and that makes the joyful moments all the more full and refreshing. My only hope is that I have been as faithful a comfortor to him in his sorrows as he has been to me
In conclusion, this past year held more routine than our first year, but the stakes are also higher in some ways. As I look back, I'm thankful for the journey God is leading us on, even when the way is steep, narrow, or painful. For it is those times that teach us the most about who we really are, about the person we married, and about the faithfulness of God.
And I eagerly look forward to this next year, and decades more to come.
Friday, August 11, 2017
Tuesday, June 13, 2017
Trust - Surrendered or Lip-Service?
Let me begin by confessing - I SO wish trust was easier. There are some for whom trusting God seems to be second nature, and I long to join their ranks. My prerequisite for trusting God seems to be, "Ok God, tell me when, where, why and how, and then I can trust this to You." But alas, that is not trust at all.
In my current struggle (if you don't know what I'm talking about, click here: http://kcslittlelifelessons.blogspot.com/2017/05/sanctification-perspective-and-pink.html ), and before this struggle, I thought I was getting a good handle on trusting God, surrendering control to Him. Also, for so long, I thought I was giving my struggle to God, giving Him my pain, and placing it all in His hands. So then why was I continually falling apart at the slightest reminder of my pain? Why was it still there, thinly veiled beneath the surface, continually threatening to break through and consume me? Surely trusting God, resting in His care, didn't mean barely holding on, scarcely holding it together.
As I cried and prayed and pondered, God slowly began to show me things, to help me understand. God is so faithful - I come to Him broken, hurt, angry, seeking His help and he shows me pieces of Himself, of His heart. And it is beautiful. And in these moments, at the end of me, humbled and broken, God began to teach me - all along I had been saying "Ok, I'm gonna trust God with this. It's His, it's in His hands." I was saying all the right words, but in my heart of hearts, I was using those words to feel like a good Christian, and just shoving my pain away, stuffing it deep into the recesses of my heart. And there, in darkness and in secret, it would fester, an open wound, ready to cause pain at the slightest bump. I know what to say - I've gone to church my whole life, learned the verses, studied in Bible college. The attitude and condition of my heart did not match the words coming from my lips. My "trust" was lip service, not surrender. And only surrender can begin the healing process.
Giving something to the Lord means acknowledging the pain, feeling the heartache, letting the hurt matter. I had to let myself feel the pain, the ache, to tell God how I felt. Placing a deep desire, and the pain and fear that accompany it, into the hands of God requires hard work. A deliberate choice. It means cutting that desire and pain free from my need to be in control. Cutting through the thorns and brambles into the deepest places in my heart. Feeling the raw pain of both my longing and my flesh as I deliberately uproot and place it into the hands of God. And you know what? I can't do it.
And that is precisely the point.
I told God, "Oh, I want to dig this up, to uproot it and give it to You. But I can't. It's too hard, too painful. But I also know I can't carry this anymore. It's too heavy."
And in that moment, it was as if God gathered me in His arms and said, "Don't you see? I don't want you to dig it all up, uproot and unpack your pain and give it to me then. I want to sit beside you and help you each step." And once again, as with every other moment of need in my life, and I'm sure every moment of need in the future, God came through, and showed me a piece of His heart.
He will sit beside me and gently help me untangle every root, every thorn, every obstacle between me and my surrender,
He is there to weep with me in my pain.
He is there to sing sweet songs to strengthen my soul.
His hands hold me together, and His shoulders are strong for me when I fall apart.
He is there to impart His all-sufficient grace.
HE. IS. THERE. Immanuel, God with us. God our provider. God the healer. The Lord Almighty.
I am one who finds emotional release and relief through music and praise. And in this time, God brought me two new songs. One is "Trust His Heart"
In my current struggle (if you don't know what I'm talking about, click here: http://kcslittlelifelessons.blogspot.com/2017/05/sanctification-perspective-and-pink.html ), and before this struggle, I thought I was getting a good handle on trusting God, surrendering control to Him. Also, for so long, I thought I was giving my struggle to God, giving Him my pain, and placing it all in His hands. So then why was I continually falling apart at the slightest reminder of my pain? Why was it still there, thinly veiled beneath the surface, continually threatening to break through and consume me? Surely trusting God, resting in His care, didn't mean barely holding on, scarcely holding it together.
As I cried and prayed and pondered, God slowly began to show me things, to help me understand. God is so faithful - I come to Him broken, hurt, angry, seeking His help and he shows me pieces of Himself, of His heart. And it is beautiful. And in these moments, at the end of me, humbled and broken, God began to teach me - all along I had been saying "Ok, I'm gonna trust God with this. It's His, it's in His hands." I was saying all the right words, but in my heart of hearts, I was using those words to feel like a good Christian, and just shoving my pain away, stuffing it deep into the recesses of my heart. And there, in darkness and in secret, it would fester, an open wound, ready to cause pain at the slightest bump. I know what to say - I've gone to church my whole life, learned the verses, studied in Bible college. The attitude and condition of my heart did not match the words coming from my lips. My "trust" was lip service, not surrender. And only surrender can begin the healing process.
Giving something to the Lord means acknowledging the pain, feeling the heartache, letting the hurt matter. I had to let myself feel the pain, the ache, to tell God how I felt. Placing a deep desire, and the pain and fear that accompany it, into the hands of God requires hard work. A deliberate choice. It means cutting that desire and pain free from my need to be in control. Cutting through the thorns and brambles into the deepest places in my heart. Feeling the raw pain of both my longing and my flesh as I deliberately uproot and place it into the hands of God. And you know what? I can't do it.
And that is precisely the point.
I told God, "Oh, I want to dig this up, to uproot it and give it to You. But I can't. It's too hard, too painful. But I also know I can't carry this anymore. It's too heavy."
And in that moment, it was as if God gathered me in His arms and said, "Don't you see? I don't want you to dig it all up, uproot and unpack your pain and give it to me then. I want to sit beside you and help you each step." And once again, as with every other moment of need in my life, and I'm sure every moment of need in the future, God came through, and showed me a piece of His heart.
He will sit beside me and gently help me untangle every root, every thorn, every obstacle between me and my surrender,
He is there to weep with me in my pain.
He is there to sing sweet songs to strengthen my soul.
His hands hold me together, and His shoulders are strong for me when I fall apart.
He is there to impart His all-sufficient grace.
HE. IS. THERE. Immanuel, God with us. God our provider. God the healer. The Lord Almighty.
I am one who finds emotional release and relief through music and praise. And in this time, God brought me two new songs. One is "Trust His Heart"
"God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand - trust His heart"
And the other "What If Your Best"
"And I want Your best
But what if Your best is brokenness
Would I be broken?
And I want Your best
But what if it's less than what I ask
Than what I'm hoping?
And what if Your best is here in the waiting
Here in the going through the motions?
I'll still be trusting all I am
And all I have
To nothing less than the Potter's hands."
Therefore, in light of all these things, I find that for surrender to be more than just lip service, it's going to take more than just me. It's going to require me drawing on the inexhaustible strength of I AM to walk through the pain and fear that accompany surrender. It will take time. And sometimes it takes coming to a place of complete brokenness to receive the humility to surrender.
And that is why I am convinced that sometimes God's best for me is brokenness.
For only when He brings me back to brokenness and humility can I truly rest in Him. Only when I stagger and fall under the weight of my struggle and my stubbornness can He show me how He alone is strong enough to carry my burdens. Only when I reach a place where I am weak can He show me how truly strong He is.
To be honest, God and I are still in the unpacking and uprooting process. But here, in brokenness, I can see the beauty in what God is doing. I can see there is purpose to my pain. I can see, firsthand, the risen Lord bringing beauty from ashes, bringing about something new. And what He has shown me not only teaches me to trust Him for all I have not yet seen, I also know this - if He can use this pain to bring fame and glory to His name, then I will be still, "Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations; I will be exalted in the earth."
Be exalted O Lord, my Rock, my redeemer, my strength.
Tuesday, May 16, 2017
Sanctification, Perspective, and Pink Lines
"When through the deep waters I call thee to go
the rivers of sorrow will not overflow.
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless
and sanctify to thee thy deepest distress."\
So goes my favorite stanza from the old hymn "How Firm A Foundation." The piece which has always stood out to me is the idea that God will not only be with me during times of sorrow, but to sanctify to me my deepest distress.
Sanctify - to set apart or declare holy. God can take my trials and deep sorrow and sanctify them to me - so I see as I look back the good those troubles brought (yes, I said the good) and even declare, "Thank you, Lord, for my sorrows." But how? In the middle of those deep waters, when I feel that water try to carry me away under a rip current of pain - I wonder, "How will God ever sanctify this to me?
No.
Not this.
It's too much."
I wrestled with this for quite some time, and I think it is no accident that I still wrestled all the way up to Resurrection Sunday morning.
If you think about it, what we call "Good Friday" was truly a terrible day. God the Son falsely accused, beaten, mocked, spat upon, and crucified. The Holy One, the Messiah, put to death, a criminal's death, a death of shame and agony. It was a day of pain, of suffering, of injustice.
But then, the third day - Jesus rose from the dead - sin had been cleansed, death defeated, and hope for all sinners declared when the Son of God rose with power.
Suddenly, we see the pain, suffering, and injustice of Friday in a new light. Because of the resurrection, all that pain and suffering was not in vain -the penalty for sin is paid, and life, new life is accomplished, scripture fulfilled, and man brought back into fellowship with God. Because of the resurrection, we can look back on the day Jesus was crucified and call it "Good Friday."
What deeper distress than God the Son betrayed, beaten and crucified? But because of the Resurrection, it is sanctified - set apart and declared holy. And so, in light of all this, I see that the God can take the deepest distress of all, and have the plan to make from it something beautiful. How much more is He able to take the deepest, darkest times of my life - the worst distress, the hardest days, and sanctify them!
If you read the title of this post, you're probably wondering "Ok, KC, I see the sanctification and the perspective, but what in the world do pink lines have to do with what you're talking about? Well, this post is a synthesis of two journal articles, written separately, but that I've come to see are really about the same thing. (I LOVE how the Holy Spirit works).
Those who know me, know that I journal to express the things on my mind. And right now, the topic on my mind is babies. In the morning when I wake up. When I'm at work. When I'm sitting at home in the evening. Before I fall asleep. I have an intense desire and longing to be pregnant right now. And truthfully, sometimes the longing is so intense and raw that I hold a baby or see a picture of a pregnant woman, and my heart, soul, and womb physically ache.
I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember, and I can't adequately express the longing and want, that desire to see two pink lines on an EPT. Test after test, and every time - one bright pink, lonely line, mocking my heart's desire.
I've hoped and hoped, and even tried to give up on hoping each month - but to no avail. And to add insult to injury, I'm having trouble even ovulating - month after month of erratic temps, etc. And yet, test after test, even when I KNOW I'm not pregnant, I can't help but hope.
My darling husband knows how much I want a baby, and if it was completely up to him, we would be parents. Sometimes I wonder if he truly knows how much I want to be pregnant, that it's on my mind every minute, that sometimes I can't even focus at work because the longing takes over. He is so good to me in each moment of the journey.
I originally ended my journal entry saying,
"I don't know how to end this entry. I usually have some sort of wonderful realization or something. But right now, in this moment, all the answers ring hollow, resounding back to me my longing, all the comforts and assurances of others leave me only to shrug, and say 'I guess. Yeah.'
The reason it all feels so hollow and falls short of comfort is that every inspirational statement, every empathetic reassurance cant compare to what I want most.
2 Pink Lines
The flutter of new life in my womb
My precious child in my arms.
To be a mother - I ache, I long, I wait. Tearfully, patiently, impatiently, with hopeful anticipation."
But friends, the wonderful thing about our great God is that if we seek Him with all our heart, pour our honest sorrows and burdens at His feet, He shows us wonderful things, and envelops us in His vast love. And in that moment, He showed me what He was teaching me about distress and sanctification.
Because, in that moment, I knew two things to be true -
1. I want to be a mother more words can express.
2. Even if that were never to happen, I know that my faith and trust in God, my trust that His plans are ultimately good, that He has a good purpose for my life - is not dependent on whether I have a baby or not. I will fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God, and follow Him all the days of my life. Even in the ache, HE is my sufficiency.
And so the rivers of sorrow do not overflow.
Sanctification of distress does not mean that those times aren't terribly painful. It does not mean that I will ever want to repeat them. but rather, what I see is that those times have a purpose. It will be used for good, and for the kingdom of God - to draw me closer to Him, to draw others closer to Him. Some of that purpose I will get to see in this life, and the revelation of some of the purpose lies on the other side of eternity. I set my eyes on the unseen, and place my trust in God - knowing that the when and how are in His hands, but I rest assured, He can and He will "Sanctify to thee thy deepest distress."
the rivers of sorrow will not overflow.
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless
and sanctify to thee thy deepest distress."\
So goes my favorite stanza from the old hymn "How Firm A Foundation." The piece which has always stood out to me is the idea that God will not only be with me during times of sorrow, but to sanctify to me my deepest distress.
Sanctify - to set apart or declare holy. God can take my trials and deep sorrow and sanctify them to me - so I see as I look back the good those troubles brought (yes, I said the good) and even declare, "Thank you, Lord, for my sorrows." But how? In the middle of those deep waters, when I feel that water try to carry me away under a rip current of pain - I wonder, "How will God ever sanctify this to me?
No.
Not this.
It's too much."
I wrestled with this for quite some time, and I think it is no accident that I still wrestled all the way up to Resurrection Sunday morning.
If you think about it, what we call "Good Friday" was truly a terrible day. God the Son falsely accused, beaten, mocked, spat upon, and crucified. The Holy One, the Messiah, put to death, a criminal's death, a death of shame and agony. It was a day of pain, of suffering, of injustice.
But then, the third day - Jesus rose from the dead - sin had been cleansed, death defeated, and hope for all sinners declared when the Son of God rose with power.
Suddenly, we see the pain, suffering, and injustice of Friday in a new light. Because of the resurrection, all that pain and suffering was not in vain -the penalty for sin is paid, and life, new life is accomplished, scripture fulfilled, and man brought back into fellowship with God. Because of the resurrection, we can look back on the day Jesus was crucified and call it "Good Friday."
What deeper distress than God the Son betrayed, beaten and crucified? But because of the Resurrection, it is sanctified - set apart and declared holy. And so, in light of all this, I see that the God can take the deepest distress of all, and have the plan to make from it something beautiful. How much more is He able to take the deepest, darkest times of my life - the worst distress, the hardest days, and sanctify them!
If you read the title of this post, you're probably wondering "Ok, KC, I see the sanctification and the perspective, but what in the world do pink lines have to do with what you're talking about? Well, this post is a synthesis of two journal articles, written separately, but that I've come to see are really about the same thing. (I LOVE how the Holy Spirit works).
Those who know me, know that I journal to express the things on my mind. And right now, the topic on my mind is babies. In the morning when I wake up. When I'm at work. When I'm sitting at home in the evening. Before I fall asleep. I have an intense desire and longing to be pregnant right now. And truthfully, sometimes the longing is so intense and raw that I hold a baby or see a picture of a pregnant woman, and my heart, soul, and womb physically ache.
I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember, and I can't adequately express the longing and want, that desire to see two pink lines on an EPT. Test after test, and every time - one bright pink, lonely line, mocking my heart's desire.
I've hoped and hoped, and even tried to give up on hoping each month - but to no avail. And to add insult to injury, I'm having trouble even ovulating - month after month of erratic temps, etc. And yet, test after test, even when I KNOW I'm not pregnant, I can't help but hope.
My darling husband knows how much I want a baby, and if it was completely up to him, we would be parents. Sometimes I wonder if he truly knows how much I want to be pregnant, that it's on my mind every minute, that sometimes I can't even focus at work because the longing takes over. He is so good to me in each moment of the journey.
I originally ended my journal entry saying,
"I don't know how to end this entry. I usually have some sort of wonderful realization or something. But right now, in this moment, all the answers ring hollow, resounding back to me my longing, all the comforts and assurances of others leave me only to shrug, and say 'I guess. Yeah.'
The reason it all feels so hollow and falls short of comfort is that every inspirational statement, every empathetic reassurance cant compare to what I want most.
2 Pink Lines
The flutter of new life in my womb
My precious child in my arms.
To be a mother - I ache, I long, I wait. Tearfully, patiently, impatiently, with hopeful anticipation."
But friends, the wonderful thing about our great God is that if we seek Him with all our heart, pour our honest sorrows and burdens at His feet, He shows us wonderful things, and envelops us in His vast love. And in that moment, He showed me what He was teaching me about distress and sanctification.
Because, in that moment, I knew two things to be true -
1. I want to be a mother more words can express.
2. Even if that were never to happen, I know that my faith and trust in God, my trust that His plans are ultimately good, that He has a good purpose for my life - is not dependent on whether I have a baby or not. I will fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God, and follow Him all the days of my life. Even in the ache, HE is my sufficiency.
And so the rivers of sorrow do not overflow.
Sanctification of distress does not mean that those times aren't terribly painful. It does not mean that I will ever want to repeat them. but rather, what I see is that those times have a purpose. It will be used for good, and for the kingdom of God - to draw me closer to Him, to draw others closer to Him. Some of that purpose I will get to see in this life, and the revelation of some of the purpose lies on the other side of eternity. I set my eyes on the unseen, and place my trust in God - knowing that the when and how are in His hands, but I rest assured, He can and He will "Sanctify to thee thy deepest distress."
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
One Year Later
Okay, so first of all, I'm sorry that this took so long to post! (I realize that my last post was about 2 weeks into my married life - and that was a year ago!) Life is crazy, folks, and time slips away - I know that's no excuse and I promise to be better in the future!
Married one year - I can't believe it's already been a year (and in some ways I can't believe it's only been a year!) Marriage is, in short, wonderful. I am SO in favor of this marriage thing!
Before Tanner and I got married, people would say to us, "You are going to learn so much in that first year!" Okay, I thought, maybe, but we've known each other for so long, there really isn't that much to learn! Boy, was I ever wrong. So, here are a few of those things I've learned, the musings of a not-so-newlywed.
1). I am a much more selfish person than I ever dreamed.
Don't get me wrong, I never held myself up as some kind of standard of selflessness, but I figured I was doing pretty well. I'm here to say when the Bible says that the inclination of the human heart is self-focused and bent toward evil, it's not kidding. So many of the frustrations and annoyances are over little things, the little ins and outs of blending two lives into one
"Well, we should do it this way because that's what I want!"
"I wish you would do_______ like this because it's easier for ME!"
"Lord, can you make him_________? I want him like ______."
I. I. I. Me. Me. Me. And here's the thing - selfishness gets in the way of true communication and unity. I'm not really communicating with my husband if all i'm doing is saying how I want things to be. Rather, I'm making demands and heaping expectations - and that only results in harbored resentment and stubbornness. So, I've tried to change how I communicate my needs and wants.
"I've always done_____ this way. How do you think we should do it? or "I've noticed that you do_____? Is there a particular reason?"
"Can you help me with_____?" "What can I help you with?"
I find that most often, he doesn't mind doing things the way I usually do them, and, if asked reciprocally, I don't mind doing things the way he usually does them. I've come to find that most often, we do things a certain way out of habit, not necessarily out of efficiency. Also, when I look for ways to bless my husband, he in turn becomes motivated to bless me (And I'm telling you all, I married a man with a heart of gold - he serves me so much more than I deserve.)
And instead of praying, "God, make him______ kind of husband for me." I ask, "God, please shape me into the kind of woman You want me to be, the kind of wife he needs me to be, and grow him into Your image." Selfishness says, "I'm going to change you into who I want you to be." Humility and love says, "I'm going to let God change you into who He wants you to be." And in the end, I want a husband fashioned after Christ's image, not my likeness.
2). A large piece of married life is learning what to address and what to just let go.
I truly believe much of the strife in the marriage relationship can be alleviated by just letting stuff go! So he leaves his clothes in a pile by the bed - well, he put them away when we have company. I'm constantly picking up his water glasses - well, wouldn't you know it, he constantly puts away the shoes I leave all over the house. Why make a big deal out of things that don't really matter in the end? And here's the payoff - when I let the little things go, then when I do need to address something, he is more likely to listen, because he knows I'm not nagging, but rather, communicating.
3). Last but not least, Marriage is the hardest thing I've ever done.
Don't let that concern you. As a culture, we have this collective idea that easier = better. Billions of dollars worth of advertising products that make life easier, and therefore, "better." And somehow, this idea has slowly seeped into our idea of love and relationships - if it's hard, there is something wrong. When someone says, "Marriage is hard" we immediately get the idea that their life sucks. That they must not be happy.
But when I say marriage is the hardest thing I've ever done, I mean that the same way as when I tell people that pulling an A in Trig my senior year of high school was hard, the same way that college was hard, the same way that my job is hard. Getting that A in Trig put me over the moon. Finishing college with a bachelor's degree made me feel like I could conquer the world. And my job - I've never been happier or more fulfilled in a job - it's my heart and my passion and I love waking up to go to work.
The best things in my life, the things that mean the most to me, the things that hold the most value, required HARD WORK. Because in the end, anything of value, anything worth having takes hard work. And so it is with marriage. Marriage is the ups and downs of figuring out life with another person
Married one year - I can't believe it's already been a year (and in some ways I can't believe it's only been a year!) Marriage is, in short, wonderful. I am SO in favor of this marriage thing!
Before Tanner and I got married, people would say to us, "You are going to learn so much in that first year!" Okay, I thought, maybe, but we've known each other for so long, there really isn't that much to learn! Boy, was I ever wrong. So, here are a few of those things I've learned, the musings of a not-so-newlywed.
1). I am a much more selfish person than I ever dreamed.
Don't get me wrong, I never held myself up as some kind of standard of selflessness, but I figured I was doing pretty well. I'm here to say when the Bible says that the inclination of the human heart is self-focused and bent toward evil, it's not kidding. So many of the frustrations and annoyances are over little things, the little ins and outs of blending two lives into one
"Well, we should do it this way because that's what I want!"
"I wish you would do_______ like this because it's easier for ME!"
"Lord, can you make him_________? I want him like ______."
I. I. I. Me. Me. Me. And here's the thing - selfishness gets in the way of true communication and unity. I'm not really communicating with my husband if all i'm doing is saying how I want things to be. Rather, I'm making demands and heaping expectations - and that only results in harbored resentment and stubbornness. So, I've tried to change how I communicate my needs and wants.
"I've always done_____ this way. How do you think we should do it? or "I've noticed that you do_____? Is there a particular reason?"
"Can you help me with_____?" "What can I help you with?"
I find that most often, he doesn't mind doing things the way I usually do them, and, if asked reciprocally, I don't mind doing things the way he usually does them. I've come to find that most often, we do things a certain way out of habit, not necessarily out of efficiency. Also, when I look for ways to bless my husband, he in turn becomes motivated to bless me (And I'm telling you all, I married a man with a heart of gold - he serves me so much more than I deserve.)
And instead of praying, "God, make him______ kind of husband for me." I ask, "God, please shape me into the kind of woman You want me to be, the kind of wife he needs me to be, and grow him into Your image." Selfishness says, "I'm going to change you into who I want you to be." Humility and love says, "I'm going to let God change you into who He wants you to be." And in the end, I want a husband fashioned after Christ's image, not my likeness.
2). A large piece of married life is learning what to address and what to just let go.
I truly believe much of the strife in the marriage relationship can be alleviated by just letting stuff go! So he leaves his clothes in a pile by the bed - well, he put them away when we have company. I'm constantly picking up his water glasses - well, wouldn't you know it, he constantly puts away the shoes I leave all over the house. Why make a big deal out of things that don't really matter in the end? And here's the payoff - when I let the little things go, then when I do need to address something, he is more likely to listen, because he knows I'm not nagging, but rather, communicating.
3). Last but not least, Marriage is the hardest thing I've ever done.
Don't let that concern you. As a culture, we have this collective idea that easier = better. Billions of dollars worth of advertising products that make life easier, and therefore, "better." And somehow, this idea has slowly seeped into our idea of love and relationships - if it's hard, there is something wrong. When someone says, "Marriage is hard" we immediately get the idea that their life sucks. That they must not be happy.
But when I say marriage is the hardest thing I've ever done, I mean that the same way as when I tell people that pulling an A in Trig my senior year of high school was hard, the same way that college was hard, the same way that my job is hard. Getting that A in Trig put me over the moon. Finishing college with a bachelor's degree made me feel like I could conquer the world. And my job - I've never been happier or more fulfilled in a job - it's my heart and my passion and I love waking up to go to work.
The best things in my life, the things that mean the most to me, the things that hold the most value, required HARD WORK. Because in the end, anything of value, anything worth having takes hard work. And so it is with marriage. Marriage is the ups and downs of figuring out life with another person
It's balancing the checkbook when finances are tight
It's balancing two schedule and one vehicle
.
It's learning to show love and respect to someone even if I don't like them in the moment
It's learning to face challenges as a team instead of figuring it out myself
It's taking another person's perspective into account before making a decision
It's willingly submitting to my husband's authority, even when I want to be in full control
It's all these things and more. And above all, it's looking across the table that him at the end of the day, knowing I'm more in love with him than I was a year ago when we married. The tough stuff makes the fun memories and carefree times so much richer, so much sweeter. Marriage has grown me into a better (hopefully) version of the woman I was one year ago. Marriage has drawn me closer to Christ - to lay my expectations and insecurities at His feet, to better understand His unconditional love. Marriage fills me with joy, passion, and confidence to take on life with Tanner for the next 50+ years.
In closing, married life has taught me more than I ever dreamed, and I'm excited for the growth to come, to see what we have learned 5, 10, and 25 years from now! Marriage is 100% worth it!
Thanks for reading!
PS: (And no, I'm not pregnant yet! ;) )
Friday, August 21, 2015
Just Married - Decisions, Decisions
Ok, so you all knew it was coming. The obligatory “newlywed blog.” Being the sap I am, I usually read newlywed blogs, since they are typically filled with the happy, sappy, I’m-so-in-love drivel, and I LOVE IT. But, sometimes to an annoying degree, they are filled with marriage advice. Ah yes, just what we all want, sage advice from the girl who’s been married TEN WHOLE DAYS. This blog falls somewhere in between, and if you’ll bear with me, I’ll do my best to make it worth your while.
First the wedding day (if you don’t like happy, sappy, I’m-so-in-love-I-don’t-even-know-what-to-do talk, feel free to skip this paragraph). My wedding day was literally perfect. Blue skies, 80 degrees, country setting, little white church, even down to the Seahawk theme, navy, white, and green decorations. Every one of my bridesmaids was drop-dead gorgeous, the men looked handsome and sharp, and the mother of the bride and mother of the groom, so beautiful. My dad cried (a lot). I can honestly say that my wedding day was everything I’ve ever dreamed of, everything I hoped for. I had amazing people to help with set up the day before and the day of, and every detail was taken care of. I had possibly the most stress free wedding in history. Because of this, I had time to sit and relax and stop, look around, and take everything in, But perhaps what made it so perfect was, at the end of it all, Tanner was my husband, and I, his wife. We made it. We got married.
Only being married two weeks certainly does not make me any kind of expert in love or what it takes to make a marriage successful. I am still in the honeymoon phase, in a state of love and euphoria. However, I have the wisdom passed down to me from mentors, pastors and teachers about the kinds of habits in marriage that lead to a lasting marriage. And though I’ve only been married two weeks, I can see the kinds of things they have been telling me about.
There are three pieces of advice that have always stood out in my memory - 1) Love is a choice. 2) The purpose of marriage is not to make us happy, but to make us holy, and 3) How you talk to, treat, and relate to your spouse is always a choice.
1). Love is a choice. A lasting marriage relationship is based on the commitment made at the altar, not the feelings one experiences while making that commitment. Everyday, I have to choose to love Tanner. Why? Because I chose to enter a covenant relationship with him. I didn’t promise to love him “as long as our love lasts,” but “until death do us part - for better, for worse.” And when the worse comes, it is that choice, that decision that makes love last. For in those moments, feelings lie. Feelings are great servants, but poor masters. A lasting marriage is knowing that love is a decision, a commitment, a verb, not a mere feeling.
2). “The purpose of marriage is not to make us happy, but to make us holy.” (It’s a quote from somewhere, but I don’t know where). When I first heard this, I had to stop and sit down. This quote caused an instant paradigm shift in my thinking toward marriage. So often we go into marriage so happy, and this is good. Our spouse says or does things that make us happy, and this too, is good. But it is not the purpose of marriage. God’s design for marriage is to reflect Christ and His church. In order to become more like Christ, I must undergo the process of becoming holy. So when arguments or annoyances arise, instead of praying and asking God to "fix" my spouse, I have to ask Him to refine me. What can I do to love Tanner better? Where can I more accurately reflect the heart and character of Christ in this situation? Yes, and then pray for my husband rather than just praying about him. When I ask God to “fix” him, I am essentially asking God to make Tanner into my image - the image I have of what Tanner should be. But when I pray for Tanner, I am asking God to conform Tanner into His image, according to His holy plans. Then, I have to accept that perhaps “God is more interested in changing me than my spouse.” Marriage is going to be a huge exercise in humility, a daily laying aside of my own pride. It’s not always going to be fun, in fact, I'm pretty sure lessons in humility are never fun (I'm always much more prideful than I'd like to think), and I’m going to fail miserably at times, but the pursuit of holiness is never unfruitful. “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.” (Matt 5:11). “He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ. (Phil 1:6). This part alone will keep me where I belong - on my knees, in need of Christ's mercies each day.
3). How I talk to, treat, and relate to Tanner is always a choice. Someone along the way told me that the first 6 to 12 months can set the tone for the entire marriage. And yet, it is those very months that can be the hardest and most stressful, as we navigate finances, jobs, family, and merging our lives into one. In these first two weeks there have been little things that have come up, or just little things that annoy me. And honestly, I seriously considered expressing this verbally. “Why do you _______? How come you do_______like this? You should do________MY way.” STOP. Attitude check. I’ve always believed that Colossians 3:12-14 is the verse that can sum up how to treat one another in a marriage relationship.
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with
compassion
kindness
humility
gentleness and
patience.
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.
Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
And over all these virtues, put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”
Compassion. Kindness. Humility. Gentleness. Patience. Forgiveness. Love. All these things are supposed to reflect in our attitude toward one another as Christians, how much more important must they be in marriage - the most intimate of all relationships! And so I have made a decision that when I talk to Tanner, as far as it depends on me, to ask myself: Is what I am about to say (in word and in tone) compassionate, kind, humble, gentle, patient, forgiving, and loving? And please, please, PLEASE, keep me accountable to this! This is not an easy task, and as the stress of life rolls in, and sleepless nights, bills, irritations and the like stack up, sometimes I won’t feel like relating to my husband this way. But this is precisely why love is a choice. And why there is no way I would have ever considered entering into marriage without Christ as the center and my strength. It is HIS faithfulness and strength that I rely on.
So, there you have it, my somewhat sappy, somewhat sage, obligatory “I just got married” blog post. Please feel free to tell me what you think and to add on any wisdom you have learned from your own relationships! Hope this was worth your time! I JUST GOT MARRIED!!!!
Monday, May 11, 2015
Right to the Heart of it All
"For the Word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of Him to whom we must give account."
Hebrews 4:12-13
"Man of sorrows, what a name
for the Son of God who came.
Ruined sinners to reclaim.
Hallelujah! What a Savior!"
Once again, God has been faithful to put before me the things deep in my heart, laying bare all the things I'd rather keep hidden. Scripture tells me that the Holy Spirit searches my heart, and that all hidden things are laid bare before Him. The Sword of the Spirit has been at work again, slicing through my carefully crafted facades and getting to the heart of my problem. And the problem, it turns out, is with my heart, my attitude.
At work, in life, wherever, there are some people who are SO. HARD. TO. LOVE. People toward whom it is difficult to have even a kind thought. People to who it is difficult to be civil sometimes. In my life, these people are those who are or have been harsh or unrelenting toward people I care about, or toward those I advocate for. I have more patience, it seems, toward the children I work with than with these folks because, "Can't they just understand already?" "Are they even TRYING to 'get it'?" "Do they even SEE their problem?!" I get angry, and in my (self-deemed) "righteous indignation" I let that anger fester. I wallow; I seethe; I stew - and ever so slowly, I become bitter. But, but...THEY are the ones with the problem, right? I mean, I'm right to be angry, aren't I??
I...they...but....
But then I see Jesus - on the cross, dying for them. Jesus, coming "ruined sinners to reclaim." Jesus, dying for the sin of the world - the sins of lust and greed and pride....oh. Pride. Self-righteousness. "You mean, my attitude, Lord?" And the scalpel cuts. Straight to the heart of me. The sword goes deep, to cut out another piece of me that does not reflect Christ. And I see how far I truly am from God's heart, how much I desperately need grace daily. In my pride I like to go around believing I'm a pretty good person, and then God puts these people in my life, like a mirror. A mirror reflecting the condition of my heart, and, much like when I see my physical reflection in the morning, I think, "Oh! That CAN'T be accurate!" But the mirror only reflects what is. It makes no comment, no adjustment, it merely reveals the true state of what is before it. "Those people" don't make me prideful and bitter, they show me how bitter and prideful I already am. (Credit to C.S. Lewis for this principle). I see the truth, and I am cut to the heart. But, praise God, "Godly sorrow leads to repentance...."
So, these people I don't WANT to love, don't WANT to be patient with - who am I to decide whether they are worthy of love and patience? How patiently Christ has dealt with me! He died, to save my soul and transform my heart, and patiently sets about His gracious work.
Hebrews 4:12-13
"Man of sorrows, what a name
for the Son of God who came.
Ruined sinners to reclaim.
Hallelujah! What a Savior!"
Once again, God has been faithful to put before me the things deep in my heart, laying bare all the things I'd rather keep hidden. Scripture tells me that the Holy Spirit searches my heart, and that all hidden things are laid bare before Him. The Sword of the Spirit has been at work again, slicing through my carefully crafted facades and getting to the heart of my problem. And the problem, it turns out, is with my heart, my attitude.
At work, in life, wherever, there are some people who are SO. HARD. TO. LOVE. People toward whom it is difficult to have even a kind thought. People to who it is difficult to be civil sometimes. In my life, these people are those who are or have been harsh or unrelenting toward people I care about, or toward those I advocate for. I have more patience, it seems, toward the children I work with than with these folks because, "Can't they just understand already?" "Are they even TRYING to 'get it'?" "Do they even SEE their problem?!" I get angry, and in my (self-deemed) "righteous indignation" I let that anger fester. I wallow; I seethe; I stew - and ever so slowly, I become bitter. But, but...THEY are the ones with the problem, right? I mean, I'm right to be angry, aren't I??
I...they...but....
But then I see Jesus - on the cross, dying for them. Jesus, coming "ruined sinners to reclaim." Jesus, dying for the sin of the world - the sins of lust and greed and pride....oh. Pride. Self-righteousness. "You mean, my attitude, Lord?" And the scalpel cuts. Straight to the heart of me. The sword goes deep, to cut out another piece of me that does not reflect Christ. And I see how far I truly am from God's heart, how much I desperately need grace daily. In my pride I like to go around believing I'm a pretty good person, and then God puts these people in my life, like a mirror. A mirror reflecting the condition of my heart, and, much like when I see my physical reflection in the morning, I think, "Oh! That CAN'T be accurate!" But the mirror only reflects what is. It makes no comment, no adjustment, it merely reveals the true state of what is before it. "Those people" don't make me prideful and bitter, they show me how bitter and prideful I already am. (Credit to C.S. Lewis for this principle). I see the truth, and I am cut to the heart. But, praise God, "Godly sorrow leads to repentance...."
So, these people I don't WANT to love, don't WANT to be patient with - who am I to decide whether they are worthy of love and patience? How patiently Christ has dealt with me! He died, to save my soul and transform my heart, and patiently sets about His gracious work.
"Take my will and make it Thine
It shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart, it is Thine own
It shall be Thy royal throne."
Lord, my will is something I so often reclaim, something I try to take back, when who you have called me to be does not align with what my flesh wants. I want to believe I know best, and carefully craft the perfect excuses instead of seeing my sin for what it is. Yes, it is ok to be upset when someone mistreats another, but this should drive me to prayer and to seek change, while showing love and patience. God is the One who changes hearts and minds. He calls me to "seek justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with my God." (Micah 6:8). It's a delicate balance, to humbly stand for truth while intentionally living in love, but I know this: bitterness and self-righteousness have never changed a heart. They only drive wedges, between people and between me and God. I am to live intentionally to love ALL - even those who I don't WANT to love, and let God do the heart-work.
Friday, February 27, 2015
I Have A Confession To Make......
I have a confession to make. Many who are close to me know this already. For those who don't know me so well, please don't judge me. Or do. I don't really care because it won't change anything. Here goes:
I LOVE kid's praise music.
There. I said it.
I love listening to kid's praise music - specifically Donut Man. (For those of you who don't know him, look up the music. It will change your life!)
Anyway - I never outgrew listening to Donut Man music. Once the cassettes gave out (and I have nothing to play them on anymore), I took to buying the CDs. I listen to all types of Christian music - hymns, contemporary, Christian rock, alternative, etc. But I always come back to those kid's praise choruses and Bible story songs.
But why? I am 26 years old. I'm getting married this summer. I have a full time, grown-up job (ok, so I work at an elementary school, so not TOO grown up). I should be long past this phase, and thinking of kids praise music only in terms of what my future children will be listening to (Donut Man, obviously.) Ironically enough, the reason why came to me while listening to one of my CDs.
In children's praise music, the themes are so simple: God is in control; we only need to trust Him. God will provide for us; we need to have faith. God has done so many wonderful things; He is trustworthy and true. Jesus died for our sins so that we can be reconciled to God. God loves us; He will never leave us; we need to follow His Word. No matter what happens, no matter how scary something seems, God is always near, and He is for us. Etc, etc, etc. As a child, this is something that seemed easier to accept than it does as an adult. When I was a child, and heard this music about trusting God and letting Him be in control, I was overwhelmed with peace and security. As an adult, though I still know these things, my tendency is to think, "Yes, God is in control, but....I need to do....I need to figure out....etc." The stakes seem so much higher, and everything seems so much more complex. But is it really?
I think this is part of what Jesus was talking about when He said that we needed to enter the Kingdom of God as a child. We are called not to be "child-ish" but "child-like." A child is completely and totally dependent on his or her parents (or other major adult caregiver). A child can understand and accept letting go of fear and letting God take the wheel, because this is no different than his or her current situation in life - only better, because God doesn't make mistakes, and is powerful and never fails. As we get older, more and more decisions in life become ours to make, and we begin to depend on ourselves. Now, we are made to grow up and stop depending on our parents for everything, but we were also created to wholly depend on God. We were never intended to do anything without Him ("In Him we live and move and have our being.") Trials and troubles in life are not a sign we need to try harder, but a reminder of our dependence on God.
Throughout the years, the same truth has impacted my life in different ways. The meaning of these Biblical truths apply differently at 7, 15, and 26, and I'm sure they will take on different meaning at 30, 45 and beyond. For example:
I LOVE kid's praise music.
There. I said it.
I love listening to kid's praise music - specifically Donut Man. (For those of you who don't know him, look up the music. It will change your life!)
Anyway - I never outgrew listening to Donut Man music. Once the cassettes gave out (and I have nothing to play them on anymore), I took to buying the CDs. I listen to all types of Christian music - hymns, contemporary, Christian rock, alternative, etc. But I always come back to those kid's praise choruses and Bible story songs.
But why? I am 26 years old. I'm getting married this summer. I have a full time, grown-up job (ok, so I work at an elementary school, so not TOO grown up). I should be long past this phase, and thinking of kids praise music only in terms of what my future children will be listening to (Donut Man, obviously.) Ironically enough, the reason why came to me while listening to one of my CDs.
In children's praise music, the themes are so simple: God is in control; we only need to trust Him. God will provide for us; we need to have faith. God has done so many wonderful things; He is trustworthy and true. Jesus died for our sins so that we can be reconciled to God. God loves us; He will never leave us; we need to follow His Word. No matter what happens, no matter how scary something seems, God is always near, and He is for us. Etc, etc, etc. As a child, this is something that seemed easier to accept than it does as an adult. When I was a child, and heard this music about trusting God and letting Him be in control, I was overwhelmed with peace and security. As an adult, though I still know these things, my tendency is to think, "Yes, God is in control, but....I need to do....I need to figure out....etc." The stakes seem so much higher, and everything seems so much more complex. But is it really?
I think this is part of what Jesus was talking about when He said that we needed to enter the Kingdom of God as a child. We are called not to be "child-ish" but "child-like." A child is completely and totally dependent on his or her parents (or other major adult caregiver). A child can understand and accept letting go of fear and letting God take the wheel, because this is no different than his or her current situation in life - only better, because God doesn't make mistakes, and is powerful and never fails. As we get older, more and more decisions in life become ours to make, and we begin to depend on ourselves. Now, we are made to grow up and stop depending on our parents for everything, but we were also created to wholly depend on God. We were never intended to do anything without Him ("In Him we live and move and have our being.") Trials and troubles in life are not a sign we need to try harder, but a reminder of our dependence on God.
Throughout the years, the same truth has impacted my life in different ways. The meaning of these Biblical truths apply differently at 7, 15, and 26, and I'm sure they will take on different meaning at 30, 45 and beyond. For example:
"When fear and doubt surround me all about
and the enemy's camp is near
Say that Jesus in me is greater than he
who lives in the world!
The victory is mine but the battle is the Lords
Hosanna! Hosanna!
No enemy can stand when His praise goes forth
Hosanna! Hosanna!"
At 7 years old, this meant that when I am scared of the dark, or afraid of someone laughing at me because I love Jesus, it is okay, because Jesus is greater than the enemy, and I am protected.
At 26, this means that those dreams God has put in my heart, and the tasks He calls me to do are within reach - not by my power, but because He is in me, and He is on my side. I don't have to fear failure, trials, uncertainty, because "the victory is mine, but the battle is the Lord's." Fear and doubt have as little power now as they did then. The stakes seem higher, but God remains the same. The temptation is to let myself believe that it's not so simple anymore. That's a lie. It IS that simple. Child-like trust and dependence upon God is ALWAYS what we have been called to.
The apostle Paul wrote in his letter to the Philippian church: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, but prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Phil 4:6-7). Paul wrote this to a church people in a hostile, dangerous situation. As most well-know, the Roman empire was not exactly a conducive place to be a Christ-follower. Yet, Paul does not give them a detailed list of how to overcome any fear or anxiety they have, or how to solve all their problems. He simply tells them "Don't be anxious, pray and give it to God, and He will give you His peace, a peace the defies all understanding." (paraphrase). Simple solution to a seemingly overwhelming problem.
No matter how complicated life seems, the truth remains so beautifully simple. God IS in control. God WILL be victorious. Trusting what Christ did on the cross and His resurrection IS the way of salvation. The truth can be hard to hear, because complexity and chaos shout from all directions, and fear and doubt whisper paralyzing lies. Pride winds its way into our heart. All these things make it so hard to hear the simple truth. Spend time at the feet of the Master. Hear what He has to say. Read His word, and always come with the heart of a child.
So go and be childlike, my brothers and sisters. Live a life of simple trust and obedience, and see what God brings forth through your life. (And don't forget to listen to Donut Man music! ;) )
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