Doubts, Trust, and School Dances

Anyone who knows me knows I love to study theology (I'm kind of a nerd like that).  I love looking up the original Greek and Hebrew roots of words, learning little details, and seeking subtle nuances woven into God's holy word.  I soak these up, and am refreshed and left in awe of our great God.  I see His love and mercy, His faithfulness and justice - a common thread woven through the Bible, tying His story together.  Reflection on His word leads me to a place of worship, praising Him as I recount all the things He has done, all His wondrous ways.

However, there are also many of His ways I just don't understand - things that don't make sense or seem unfair.  There are things I know to be true, and while truth sets you free, it doesn't always make you happy (at least not initially).  So, taking my cue from the Psalms, I go before the throne, a daughter of the King through the blood of Jesus, and pour out my frustrations.

This is another thing I love about God: He is big enough for my questions, my anger, my frustration and confusion.  I don't have to hide them, for He already knows the deepest part of me.  Now, when I say it is okay to go before the throne and pour out confusion, questions and frustration, I don't mean it is all right to go before God and whine, "It's not faaaiiirrrrrr....." for a spirit of grumbling and complaining is not received well.  But, to go before God and, in sincerity of heart say, "God, this doesn't seem fair.  I don't understand; I'm angry and confused.  Help."  That is a spirit God accepts. He "knows we are dust."  He knows we can't understand everything from our limited, human perspective.

Trying to understand the difficult things won't make them less difficult.  On the contrary, most of the time, trying to wrap my head around something I'm not equipped to understand only makes matters worse.  Yet, I still have a seemingly insatiable desire to "figure it out."  I want to have all the answers. But, some things of God I am not skilled to understand.  I suppose that is why God gets to be called God, and I don't.  So, in the midst of all these questions, what's a girl to do?  Again, I turn to the Psalms.  In painful or confusing situations, the Psalmist pours out his heart, and then turns his attention to who God is and all He has done.  The psalmist reflects on God's nature - His holiness, justice, goodness, grace and faithfulness - and that alone seems to alleviate his tumultuous doubts.

Why is this?  If I may, I'll use a human analogy that I think conveys the principle.

When I was 14, I went to my first dance as a freshman in high school.  Being new to the school, I didn't really know anyone, so I decided to go by myself.  My dad drove me to the school, and as I got out of the car, he said, "I'll be back at 10 to pick you up>"
"But the dance doesn't end until 11."
"I know.  But I will be here and pick you up at 10."
"Why do I have to leave an hour early??!" I asked, somewhat confused and a little indignant.
"Just trust me."
(Pause) "Yes Daddy."

Looking back, I understand why he wanted to pick me up early - if I was having a good time, it still gave me enough time to have fun, but if I didn't I wouldn't be miserably crying in a corner for 3 hours. (This was before I had a cell phone).  However, had he tried to explain that then, I would have balked - of COURSE I was going to have a good time, of COURSE I would make friends at the dance.  Had he tried to explain, I would have spent the evening angry, because my limited understanding would have interpreted his loving wisdom as unfair or ridiculous.  Instead, he chose to simply ask me to trust him, without understanding why.

The key is - I was willing to trust my dad based on everything I know about him.  He loves me, cherishes me, and has always had my good in mind when making decisions that affect me.  Because I know my dad, and know his character, I am willing to trust him, even when I don't see all his reasons.

So it is with God, only so much more!  All the things I know about God - that He is gracious and loving, holy and altogether just - and all the things He has done for me, tell me that I can confidently place my full trust in Him.  He has only eternal good in mind, and what may seem unfair or confusing now is not merely arbitrary or a whim.  Instead of trying to explain what I am not yet able to understand he simply whispers, "My child, trust me."
And when I remember who He is, and reflect on His goodness and holiness, I can confidently respond, "Yes, Lord." and rest in His peace until that day when all things will be clear and I shall "see face to face."

Created to Crave?

This post is inspired by a conversation I had about a week ago.  While speaking with a friend, we were talking about basic human needs and desires - sleep, food, water, etc.  My friend said to me: "I may lose you here, but I think a basic human desire is to alter one's consciousness, and to change one's mindset completely.  I say this because, well, look at the drug/alcohol/cigarette use and sale around the world. I think it's in us to varying degrees - but the desire to gain a new mindset/altered perspective is in each of us."
At first, I brushed off the idea as silly, late-night rambling.  But as I drove home, my mind began to toss this idea around and process it more fully.

Are we wired to crave this altered mindset?  If so, why?  What purpose would it serve?  If so many people have this desire, why have I never really felt the need to alter my mental state with drugs, alcohol, adrenaline or anything else?  Then it hit me.  We all do have a desire to acquire a new mindset - to change, to crave something more, something different.  We are constantly running from and searching for a way out of "normal," boring, repetitive and predictable. The problem is not the desire, the problem is the "solutions" we try to implement.  Alcohol, drugs, adrenaline rushes, etc, CAN bring about a temporary altered mindset/reality, but when that buzz wears off, the person is in the same place as before, and often emptier, making the craving stronger and more painful.  That which we seek to fill us, only empties us further.

In this situation, I wanted to ask, "Have you tried Jesus?  He's a trip."  Friends, I don't mean this in a disrespectful or sacreligious way.  What I mean is this: if you want a drastically, dramatically, and radically altered mindset, let Jesus and the Word of God take over your life.  Let Him renew your mind, and you will never be bored, ordinary, or "normal" in your life again. What's more, the satisfaction that close relationship with Jesus gives not only fills, but fills to overflowing.  If you ever crave more - seek Jesus and there is still more to be had.  The depths of His ways can never be exhausted.  If you have come to Jesus, and still feel this craving - genuinely seek Him, genuinely let Him take control. If you feel like to do so is impossible, or overwhelming - ask Him to help you seek Him, and He will. "Blessed  are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled."

In conclusion, we have been created to crave.  But what do you seek to fill this craving - alcohol, drugs, adrenaline rushes, etc?  For if you seek after these, you will be thirsty again  Allow Jesus to fill you, and you will never thirst again.  Crave Jesus - fill your soul and radically alter your mindset.

"Jesus answered, 'But whoever drinks the [living] water I give him will never thirst.  Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.'" (John 4:13-14)

Isaiah 55:1-2
"Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat!  Come buy wine and milk without money and without cost. Why spend money on what is not food and your labor on what does not satisfy?" (emphasis added)

Drink from the living water; come to Jesus, you who crave, and be filled, and you will never desire cheap imitations and substitutes again.  Come to Jesus, and let your soul be not only filled, but satisfied.

"Les Miserables" and My Own Heart.

Anyone who knows me knows I'm slightly obsessed with Les Miserables. I love the moving story - the search for redemption in a world of legalism, the fight for freedom in an oppressive world.  The songs, the characters, the life in the lyrics.  There is no surprise in someone like me falling in love with this musical.  What may surprise you is my favorite character - Javert.  Now, he's not my favorite character because I think he's a great guy (he's actually one of the most frustrating characters).  Javert is a staunch supporter of following the letter of the law, refusing to see what people become, and seeing only who they were. He is self -righteous, and unwilling to give or receive grace. (Spoiler Alert - if you have not seen Les Miserables yet, stop reading here, go see it, and then come back and finish this blog.)
Therefore, when Javert receives grace from Valjean, when Valjean has the opportunity to kill him, he cannot process grace or the idea that maybe Valjean is a better man than he, decides he cannot live in a world "in the debt of a thief," and commits suicide.  Because he sees no need for grace, and cannot give grace, he is unable to receive grace and the liberation that comes along with it.  In many ways, this makes Javert one of the great tragic characters of the stage.  But why then is Javert my favorite character.

My friends: I am Javert.

Quite simply, Javert is my favorite character because I feel everything he feels and I identify with him.  Throughout high school, and into college, I was that same, self-righteous, too-good-for-grace person.  Like Javert, I understood that we are all born in sin, that we all begin in the same place.  I know that we can't go to heaven without trusting in Christ.  But, I reasoned, we all make our choices, and after all, I wasn't really that bad - certainly much better than many.  I couldn't understand why everyone else couldn't grasp the concept - make the right choices, and all would be well. It wasn't that complicated.

I would have never said so out loud.  I went to church; I knew the Bible verses about being saved by grace and how if any man is in Christ, he is a new creation.  But what lay in my heart was far from gracious and Christ-like.  I was so quick to judge and condemn.  Sure, Jesus could forgive them, but I would always see only who people had been, and apply that judgement to who they became.  If Valjean is the prodigal, Javert is the elder brother.  I would be lying if I told you I wasn't inclined to act just like the elder brother - demanding special rights and privileges for faithfulness and protesting the celebrated return of the prodigal son.  I felt entitled to special rights, never owning the truth - that I too, am only acceptable to God through the blood of Christ, and the reward I sought is that beautiful fellowship with God.

Javert's struggle with grace ends in despair and suicide, which is why I am SO thankful for God's patience and willingness to show me my own desperate need for precious grace.  God broke me my sophomore and junior years of college, and I came face to face with my own failures, sins, and struggles.  I finally fully understood the beauty and magnitude of God's scandalous grace.  When one who has lived under the deception of self-righteousness, the recognition of sin is overwhelming and in some ways more painful than any prior experience.  This was true for me, and for a time I despaired. And there, surrounded by the recognition of my own unworthiness, God showed me through His word that grace is for me too - yes, I need grace and mercy, and because of Christ, that grace is available.
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Since that time, though I still struggle from time to time with self-righteous pride, God reminds me that aside from Christ's grace and strength, I am no better than any other man.  The acceptance of grace has allowed me the freedom to love, the freedom to recognize that every man in Christ is a new creation - the old is GONE, and all things have been made NEW!

Somewhere in the middle, maybe?

Somewhere in between

Caught in the middle is not normally a place anyone wants to be.  Especially a Christian.  We think in terms of white and black, right and wrong, good and bad.  And in most cases, that’s good.  Morality IS a matter of absolutes.  Right and wrong exist.  But that is not the point of this post.  Recently, there have been a plethora of articles discussing the high number of young Christians leaving the church, the causes behind it, and what we ought to do about it.  Normally, I hate to chime in just because a specific topic is currently vogue, but in this case, I feel the need to say something.

In case you haven’t been following the recent developments, the current state of the Church of Jesus Christ is as follows: lately, and in mass quantities, young Christians are leaving their traditional, Evangelical churches, and youth coming to Christ are doing so outside of normal church life/not joining a fellowship.  The question being raised: why? and what should we do about it?  The popular answer to this question is that young people either feel alienated from the traditional crowd, or feel that they just do not fit into the structure of the traditional church.  “I love Jesus, but just not organized religion” - this is the rally cry of the demographic in question.  Another undercurrent is the feeling of having to keep up a facade in church - don’t ask questions, pretend life is just fine, don’t doubt, pretend, pretend, pretend - keep your mask in place.

I’ll admit, I feel for these people. I know what it is like to feel as though I have to wear a mask, and to feel the fear of asking questions, to reveal doubt inside.  I agree that the church needs to be a safe place for people to question, a safe place to be real, to be transparent.  And in this respect, I applaud the Christian bloggers and authors drawing attention to this.  What I disagree with, or rather, am cautious about, is the largely reactionary way in which the current state of the affairs is being handled.

The general solution offered is that the Church needs to be less rigid, less “defined” if you will.  That the church needs to reach out to those on the “fringe,” like Jesus did - welcoming the lost, broken, the “non-churchy” people.  And up to this point, I am totally and completely on board.  Yes, the Church needs to remember that Jesus embraced those that the “good church people” would never have accepted - eating with tax collectors and prostitutes, and welcoming fishermen into His inner circle.  He patiently allowed those around Him to ask questions, and even though he called some out on their lack of faith, He never did so in a condemning manner.  It is completely safe to run to Jesus with questions - He can handle it.  In Isaiah, God even says, “Come and let us reason together.”  Also, yes, the Church needs to let go of trying to fit everyone in the same mold.

However, in an attempt to make more people feel welcome in Church, we have reacted almost too far - we are in danger of throwing the baby out with the bathwater.  It is as if in making the Church “safe” once again from judgmental glances and dismissive attitudes, we now run the risk of dismissing the notion of “sin” once and for all. We want people to feel comfortable, so church has become a place to feel good and hang out.  We don’t want people to feel judged, so we tell them they are welcome to come as they are and apparently, welcome to stay that way.

THIS is where I hop off the bandwagon.  Because, while Jesus accepted the sinners without judging them, He NEVER invited them to continue in sin.  Jesus accepts everyone just the way they are, but He loves them too much to leave them that way. (thank you Max Lucado, for pointing out this important distinction.)  We need to love people wherever they are at in life, but we need to be willing to lovingly challenge sin as well.  The difference is this: we need to carefully examine what Scripture calls out as sin, and what just happens to clash with our personal preferences.  For example, if a young person comes to Christ, and likes to skateboard, that is not a “sin” they have to give up.  Just because someone doesn’t wear “the right clothes” to church is not a grievance that needs to be addressed.  If someone is living a lifestyle contrary to Scripture, then YES, that needs to be lovingly addressed.  Coming to Christ can be done “as you are,” but giving one’s life to Christ is a decision that will completely and radically change a life.

In terms of the second issue, the Church also needs to be a safe place to question things.  My mom used to tell me, “If you ever find yourself in a church where you can’t ask questions, get out; that’s a cult.”  Beloved brothers and sisters, we need to listen to the questions of those having a crisis of faith, without freaking out and assuming that questions =committing heresy, or that falling apart = not enough faith. If we overreact to questions and devalue difficult circumstances, the message being sent is “you don’t fit in, but don’t ever let anyone know.  If you are going to belong to Christ, check your brains at the door, wear your mask, and don’t ever let anyone see you fall apart.”  If this is the message we’re sending, is it any wonder people leave the church in droves???

So I guess my point is this: the answer to making people feel welcome at church is neither to insist on continuing to do everything as we have been, but nor is it to swing completely to the other side.  The answer lies somewhere in the middle.  Perhaps we need to take a closer look at Jesus, and at Scripture.  Jesus is described as one who is appointed to bring good news to the poor, sent to comfort the brokenhearted and to announce that captives will be released and prisoners will be freed, to tell those who mourn that the time of the LORD's favor has come, and with it, the day of God's anger against their enemies,to give beauty for ashes, joy instead of mourning, praise instead of despair (Isaiah 61).  He is close to those who mourn and compassionate to those who are falling apart.  The only people Jesus attacked were those considered the “church leaders,” crushing people under extra-biblical expectations.  

Beloved, we need to lead people to Church with the intention of leading them to Jesus, lovingly guiding them through sorrow, doubt, questions.  We need to be a church that challenges people, yes, but we are exhorting them, not condemning, encouraging, not just pointing out failures.  

In short, we are to help people conform to the image of Christ, not insist they conform to our image.

From "Hate to Wait" to "Willing to Wait"

If ever there was a theme to describe my life, it would be...waiting.  I hate waiting.  I hate things happening outside my carefully constructed time-frame.  I hate it when I have to wait and others don't.  Confession: I am a selfish control freak.  So, it shouldn't surprise me that the process God brings me through again and again is one of waiting.   All of my life, especially the last few years, God has brought me through a seemingly continuous cycle of me complaining about waiting - to brokenness - to a willingness to wait on Him and trust His timing.

This process has perhaps never been so painfully evident in my life as it is right now.  One of my dearest friends has just announced her engagement to the love of her life, and I, against all intentions otherwise, have allowed myself to slip into envy and self-pity - because she has now what I want now. (Dearie, if you are reading this, please know that I am overjoyed and couldn't be more thrilled or excited for you as your wedding approaches, it just turns out that.... I'm human. ;)  I found myself thinking, "It's not fair.  I've been waiting longer; I want this part of my love story now, I, I, I; me, me me.

Well, praise the Lord He is able and willing to bring beauty from the rubble of my humanity.  A popular song by Anthem Lights seemed to sum up my feelings nicely:

Feeling like I've got a front row seat

To watch everybody be happy

Can't even paint a smile on my face

It's so hard to not complain.

Gotta try not to say,

"Oh God, what about me?"

Because I know that's not the way

that I'm supposed to be

As God (through trusted friends and His precious Word) has begun to bring my heart back into alignment with His, the next part of the song becomes my prayer:

Get me outta my mind

and into Your heart

It's not about me

It's not about me.

So I'm gonna start 

Playing my part

In Your design

Now is the time.

Get me outta my mind.

Oh brothers and sisters, the enemy of our souls knows where I am weakest.  But praise God that His strength is perfect in my weakness.  Learning to wait on God's timing, learning to trust, is where the enemy knows I am weak - but God knows it too.  He knows the deepest parts of my heart, for He formed it. And He offers His strength where I am weakest.  I believe He brings us through trials that make us weak, because it reveals HIS strength in our lives.  It is in those weak, worn, tired moments that He draws us unto Himself, to His presence, and fills us with peace, joy, and contentment only He can give. He never fails to show me time and time again that His timing is more perfect that I could have ever imagined or planned for. And for this, I am eternally in love with my precious Savior.

So, I may never like to wait, but, with His strength and mercy, I can say I am willing to wait.

Spies?....or Ambassadors?

"We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making His appeal through us.  We implore you: be reconciled to God." ~1 Corinthians 5:20

"We are ambassadors, not spies." ~Lecrae

Ambassadors, not spies.  What a wonderful, eye-opening comparison - one I have been reflecting on the last several months.  Too often, as Christians, we are living in the world and trying to fit in, as if our job is to infiltrate and secretly watch and observe the world's behavior.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

Paul speaks endlessly about shining like stars in the universe, proclaiming the gospel fearlessly, being untainted by the world.  John writes that we are not to love the world or anything of the world.  Jesus commands us to be salt and light, a city on a hill.  Call me crazy, but none of that  sounds like "fitting in," "going with the flow," or "relevance."  Seems to me we are called to stand out!

The very word "ambassador" is fraught with meaing.  We are ambassadors here, and our citizenship, the country we represent, is in heaven.  An ambassador's job is to represent and advocate the interests and intentions of his or her country in the foreign country he or she resides in.    It is obvious to those living in that foreign country that the ambassador is not one of them - indeed, it would be odd if he/she tried to fit in and be like one of them.  It is necessary, of course, for an ambassador to socialize with people of that country, for how else could he/she effectively promote and advocate for his/her home country?  He/she needs to be aware of cultural norms and adjust somewhat to communicate, but her own country's expectations and laws must come first!  Love of country and steadfast committment to its agenda muust always be priority one.

In the same way, brothers and sisters, we are called to be Christ's ambassadors here on earth.  Our job is to tell those of this country, this world in which we are strangers and aliens, about the wonderful country of our citizenship.  We are to fearlessly proclaim the wonders of the love of Christ, His forgiveness, and the hope that all can have through believing in His name.  The country that we are living for, the kingdom of heaven, is so much richer and higher than anything this world can offer its citizens.  So why, why are we TRYING to fit in?!?  Think about it: why would we WANT to settle for what this world has to offer when we have something of eternal, limitless value to offer?  Its like settling for someone's button collection (in order to fit in) when you can offer a collection of precious jewels.

Yes, we have to be aware of cultural norms and be able to communicate the gospel in a way that those of our culture will understand, but we must not water down the message of the gospel.  Just because someone may not like the message of the gospel, doesn't mean they can't grasp its meaning.  If we try to become too relevant, we will blend in so well that people won't be able to see the difference in us - and it is that difference - Jesus- that is going to set them all free! (Thank you, Casting Crowns, for pointing this out to me).

So, brothers and sisters, rise up and be ambassadors!  Implore the world, as the apostles did: Be reconciled to God!

Not A Situation Change - A Perspective Change!

Do you ever look around at the way unbelievers live and envy them? Come on, be honest - even a little bit? They get to party, enjoy all the "pleasures"of life, get drunk, carouse, make lots of money, be important, etc. Do you ever think, "As a Christian, what do I get to do? Live righteously, work for the Lord, not to be rewarded by men, be humble, be a servant to all, deny myself overindulgences, be wise..." It all sometimes can seem a little boring. Oh, it wouldn't be nearly so bad if, in return, we get to live carefree, always be happy, free of trouble, and live in abundance. But it seems sometimes that those of us who live to please the Lord face more trials in life. Seriously?!?!?!? I'll admit it, I've been tempted to feel like living according to God's word is pointless.

I was meditating on Psalm 73 the other day, and realized the Psalmist is dealing with this same dilemma.(It's nice to know that people a few thousand years ago had the same problems as this 21st century girl). As I read, I realized the answer lies not in a circumstance change, but a perspective change (I've also been blessed to have wonderful Christian mentors over the years who have pointed this out to me in one way or another). Measured in terms of this life, the temporary, it appears that pure living is pointless, that the world has all the fun. Yes, those who earnestly desire to follow God will have times of trial and tribulation (2 Timothy 3:12). The devil wants the hope we have to be as unattractive to the world as possible, so he seeks to pull our focus from eternity onto our troubles. God wants us, through His strength, to rise above the trials of this life, our eternal hope shining like a beacon to the world.

For, at the end - those who don't know God die, their pleasure comes to an end and they face eternity without God. And at the end, those of us who belong to God die as well - our earthly lives come to an end, and so do our problems and pains. Temporary life gives way to glorious life everlasting - joyous eternity in the presence of God!!

The author of Hebrews wrote: "By faith, Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be called the son of Pharoh's daughter. He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin. He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward. It's all about perspective - the pleasures of this life ARE attractive, and sin looks like fun (and is indeed so in the moment), but it is fleeting. To choose the fleeting pleasures of this life over the glory of eternity would be similar to a man, given the choice between $100 now, and $100 MILLON 2 years later, chosing the $100 now. We would call that man crazy, foolish, blind. So much so are we when our perspective is skewed.

In conclusion, I challenge you, beloved brothers and sisters, seek Christ and live for Him - ask God to change your perspective. Yes, those around you may not understand, but that does not matter. For in the long run, we are treasuring what seems useless but will one day prove to be of greater worth than gold. Just think of the man, ridiculed for treasuring and protecting a lump of coal buried deep, under pressure. He knows it looks worthless in the moment, but smiles knowingly in the face of the mockers and says, "Just wait and see." :)

Below is a paraphrase I wrote of Psalm 73; I encourage you to read it for yourself from Scripture as well.

Yes, God is good to His people,
to the pure in heart, who follow His ways.

But in a moment of weakness, I nearly forgot this,
I almost lost my firm foothold on the truth.
Because I looked around and saw how easy the wicked have it!
I was jealous of the prideful - I wished I could be like the world:
They are never sick, never weary, always having abundance!
They have it so easy; they enjoy life, carefree.
Because of this, they are prideful and violent;
they mock those trying to follow God, and invent new ways to do evil.
They oppress others, claiming to be high and mighty,
speaking against heaven, and acting like they own the earth!
And - what's worse - people flock to them, want to be in their crowd, to be like them!
They say, "Who is God? What does He know? He won't do anything!"
They say these things are yet they still prosper and have easy lives.

If this is what the lives of the wicked are like, then I thought in my heart,
"I have kept my heart and life pure for nothing!
Doing what is right is pointless and futile - because even though I live right,
 I face trouble - doubt, fear, poverty, pain - all the time!
Every morning I am punished and disciplined!"
If I had broken down and spoken this against You, I would have betrayed Your people - Betrayed all who have taught me, and all those I have taught!

When I tried to understand it all -
why the wicked get away with everything and yet the righteous suffer -
it was too much for me and troubled my heart,
until I entered the presence of God, and saw from His perspective.
I understood what eventually becomes of the wicked.
You place them on slippery ground and cause them to come to ruin.
They will not get away with their evil deeds - they will face destruction.
As one forgets a dream after waking, so they will be utterly gone!

When I was bitter and hurt and confused within,
I spoke without any understanding or wisdom;
I was senseless as an animal before You.
Despite all this I know: I am always with You,
You lead me by the hand and guide me with Your wisdom,
And one day I will be with You in glory.
With this as my perspective, I see You are my supreme desire in heaven,
and how could I want anything more than all of You on earth?
My flesh and my heart are weak, and will not sustain me,
But God is my strength and all that I need.
For now I see: all who are far from you and unfaithful to You will perish and end in destruction.
And now I understand: I choose to be near God -
it is the only good in the long run! It is worth it all!
You will be my refuge in this life and I will praise you for all You have done!