Just Married - Decisions, Decisions

Ok, so you all knew it was coming.  The obligatory “newlywed blog.”  Being the sap I am, I usually read newlywed blogs, since they are typically filled with the happy, sappy, I’m-so-in-love drivel, and I LOVE IT.  But, sometimes to an annoying degree, they are filled with marriage advice.  Ah yes, just what we all want, sage advice from the girl who’s been married TEN WHOLE DAYS.  This blog falls somewhere in between, and if you’ll bear with me, I’ll do my best to make it worth your while.

First the wedding day (if you don’t like happy, sappy, I’m-so-in-love-I-don’t-even-know-what-to-do talk, feel free to skip this paragraph).  My wedding day was literally perfect.  Blue skies, 80 degrees, country setting, little white church, even down to the Seahawk theme, navy, white, and green decorations. Every one of my bridesmaids was drop-dead gorgeous, the men looked handsome and sharp, and the mother of the bride and mother of the groom, so beautiful.  My dad cried (a lot).  I can honestly say that my wedding day was everything I’ve ever dreamed of, everything I hoped for.  I had amazing people to help with set up the day before and the day of, and every detail was taken care of.  I had possibly the most stress free wedding in history.  Because of this, I had time to sit and relax and stop, look around, and take everything in,  But perhaps what made it so perfect was, at the end of it all, Tanner was my husband, and I, his wife. We made it. We got married.

Only being married two weeks certainly does not make me any kind of expert in love or what it takes to make a marriage successful.  I am still in the honeymoon phase, in a state of love and euphoria. However, I have the wisdom passed down to me from mentors, pastors and teachers about the kinds of habits in marriage that lead to a lasting marriage.  And though I’ve only been married two weeks, I can see the kinds of things they have been telling me about.

There are three pieces of advice that have always stood out in my memory - 1) Love is a choice. 2) The purpose of marriage is not to make us happy, but to make us holy, and 3) How you talk to, treat, and relate to your spouse is always a choice.

1). Love is a choice.  A lasting marriage relationship is based on the commitment made at the altar, not the feelings one experiences while making that commitment. Everyday, I have to choose to love Tanner.  Why?  Because I chose to enter a covenant relationship with him.  I didn’t promise to love him “as long as our love lasts,” but “until death do us part - for better, for worse.”  And when the worse comes, it is that choice, that decision that makes love last.  For in those moments, feelings lie. Feelings are great servants, but poor masters.  A lasting marriage is knowing that love is a decision, a commitment, a verb, not a mere feeling.

2).  “The purpose of marriage is not to make us happy, but to make us holy.” (It’s a quote from somewhere, but I don’t know where).  When I first heard this, I had to stop and sit down.  This quote caused an instant paradigm shift in my thinking toward marriage.  So often we go into marriage so happy, and this is good.  Our spouse says or does things that make us happy, and this too, is good.  But it is not the purpose of marriage.  God’s design for marriage is to reflect Christ and His church.  In order to become more like Christ, I must undergo the process of becoming holy.  So when arguments or annoyances arise, instead of praying and asking God to "fix" my spouse, I have to ask Him to refine me.  What can I do to love Tanner better?  Where can I more accurately reflect the heart and character of Christ in this situation?  Yes, and then pray for my husband rather than just praying about him. When I ask God to “fix” him, I am essentially asking God to make Tanner into my image - the image I have of what Tanner should be.  But when I pray for Tanner, I am asking God to conform Tanner into His image, according to His holy plans.  Then, I have to accept that perhaps “God is more interested in changing me than my spouse.”  Marriage is going to be a huge exercise in humility, a daily laying aside of my own pride.  It’s not always going to be fun, in fact, I'm pretty sure lessons in humility are never fun (I'm always much more prideful than I'd like to think), and I’m going to fail miserably at times, but the pursuit of holiness is never unfruitful. “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.” (Matt 5:11). “He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ. (Phil 1:6). This part alone will keep me where I belong - on my knees, in need of Christ's mercies each day.

3). How I talk to, treat, and relate to Tanner is always a choice.  Someone along the way told me that the first 6 to 12 months can set the tone for the entire marriage.  And yet, it is those very months that can be the hardest and most stressful, as we navigate finances, jobs, family, and merging our lives into one.  In these first two weeks there have been little things that have come up, or just little things that annoy me.  And honestly, I seriously considered expressing this verbally.  “Why do you _______?  How come you do_______like this?  You should do________MY way.”  STOP.  Attitude check.  I’ve always believed that Colossians 3:12-14 is the verse that can sum up how to treat one another in a marriage relationship.

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with

compassion

kindness

humility

gentleness and

patience.

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.

Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

And over all these virtues, put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”

Compassion.  Kindness. Humility. Gentleness. Patience. Forgiveness. Love.  All these things are supposed to reflect in our attitude toward one another as Christians, how much more important must they be in marriage - the most intimate of all relationships!  And so I have made a decision that when I talk to Tanner, as far as it depends on me, to ask myself: Is what I am about to say (in word and in tone) compassionate, kind, humble, gentle, patient, forgiving, and loving?  And please, please, PLEASE, keep me accountable to this!  This is not an easy task, and as the stress of life rolls in, and sleepless nights, bills, irritations and the like stack up, sometimes I won’t feel like relating to my husband this way.  But this is precisely why love is a choice.  And why there is no way I would have ever considered entering into marriage without Christ as the center and my strength.  It is HIS faithfulness and strength that I rely on.

So, there you have it, my somewhat sappy, somewhat sage, obligatory “I just got married” blog post.  Please feel free to tell me what you think and to add on any wisdom you have learned from your own relationships!  Hope this was worth your time!  I JUST GOT MARRIED!!!!

Right to the Heart of it All

"For the Word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.  Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight.  Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of Him to whom we must give account." 
Hebrews 4:12-13

"Man of sorrows, what a name
for the Son of God who came.
Ruined sinners to reclaim.
Hallelujah! What a Savior!"

Once again, God has been faithful to put before me the things deep in my heart, laying bare all the things I'd rather keep hidden.  Scripture tells me that the Holy Spirit searches my heart, and that all hidden things are laid bare before Him.  The Sword of the Spirit has been at work again, slicing through my carefully crafted facades and getting to the heart of my problem.  And the problem, it turns out, is with my heart, my attitude.

At work, in life, wherever, there are some people who are SO. HARD. TO. LOVE.  People toward whom it is difficult to have even a kind thought.  People to who it is difficult to be civil sometimes.  In my life, these people are those who are or have been harsh or unrelenting toward people I care about, or toward those I advocate for.  I have more patience, it seems, toward the children I work with than with these folks because, "Can't they just understand already?"  "Are they even TRYING to 'get it'?"  "Do they even SEE their problem?!"  I get angry, and in my (self-deemed) "righteous indignation" I let that anger fester.  I wallow; I seethe; I stew - and ever so slowly, I become bitter.  But, but...THEY are the ones with the problem, right?  I mean, I'm right to be angry, aren't I??

 I...they...but....

But then I see Jesus - on the cross, dying for them.  Jesus, coming "ruined sinners to reclaim."  Jesus, dying for the sin of the world - the sins of lust and greed and pride....oh.  Pride.  Self-righteousness.  "You mean, my attitude, Lord?"  And the scalpel cuts.  Straight to the heart of me.  The sword goes deep, to cut out another piece of me that does not reflect Christ.  And I see how far I truly am from God's heart, how much I desperately need grace daily.  In my pride I like to go around believing I'm a pretty good person, and then God puts these people in my life, like a mirror.  A mirror reflecting the condition of my heart, and, much like when I see my physical reflection in the morning, I think, "Oh!  That CAN'T be accurate!"  But the mirror only reflects what is.  It makes no comment, no adjustment, it merely reveals the true state of what is before it. "Those people" don't make me prideful and bitter, they show me how bitter and prideful I already am. (Credit to C.S. Lewis for this principle).  I see the truth, and I am cut to the heart.  But, praise God, "Godly sorrow leads to repentance...."

So, these people I don't WANT to love, don't WANT to be patient with - who am I to decide whether they are worthy of love and patience?  How patiently Christ has dealt with me!  He died, to save my soul and transform my heart, and patiently sets about His gracious work.

"Take my will and make it Thine

It shall be no longer mine.

Take my heart, it is Thine own

It shall be Thy royal throne."

Lord, my will is something I so often reclaim, something I try to take back, when who you have called me to be does not align with what my flesh wants.  I want to believe I know best, and carefully craft the perfect excuses instead of seeing my sin for what it is.  Yes, it is ok to be upset when someone mistreats another, but this should drive me to prayer and to seek change, while showing love and patience.  God is the One who changes hearts and minds.  He calls me to "seek justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with my God." (Micah 6:8).  It's a delicate balance, to humbly stand for truth while intentionally living in love, but I know this: bitterness and self-righteousness have never changed a heart.  They only drive wedges, between people and between me and God.  I am to live intentionally to love ALL - even those who I don't WANT to love, and let God do the heart-work.

I Have A Confession To Make......

I have a confession to make.  Many who are close to me know this already. For those who don't know me so well, please don't judge me.  Or do.  I don't really care because it won't change anything.  Here goes:

I LOVE kid's praise music.

There.  I said it.

I love listening to kid's praise music - specifically Donut Man.  (For those of you who don't know him, look up the music.  It will change your life!)
Anyway - I never outgrew listening to Donut Man music.  Once the cassettes gave out (and I have nothing to play them on anymore), I took to buying the CDs.  I listen to all types of Christian music - hymns, contemporary, Christian rock, alternative, etc.  But I always come back to those kid's praise choruses and Bible story songs.

But why?  I am 26 years old.   I'm getting married this summer.  I have a full time, grown-up job (ok, so I work at an elementary school, so not TOO grown up).  I should be long past this phase, and thinking of kids praise music only in terms of what my future children will be listening to (Donut Man, obviously.)  Ironically enough, the reason why came to me while listening to one of my CDs.

In children's praise music, the themes are so simple:  God is in control; we only need to trust Him.  God will provide for us; we need to have faith.  God has done so many wonderful things; He is trustworthy and true.  Jesus died for our sins so that we can be reconciled to God.  God loves us; He will never leave us; we need to follow His Word.  No matter what happens, no matter how scary something seems, God is always near, and He is for us.  Etc, etc, etc.  As a child, this is something that seemed easier to accept than it does as an adult.  When I was a child, and heard this music about trusting God and letting Him be in control, I was overwhelmed with peace and security.  As an adult, though I still know these things, my tendency is to think, "Yes, God is in control, but....I need to do....I need to figure out....etc."  The stakes seem so much higher, and everything seems so much more complex.  But is it really?

I think this is part of what Jesus was talking about when He said that we needed to enter the Kingdom of God as a child.  We are called not to be "child-ish" but "child-like."  A child is completely and totally dependent on his or her parents (or other major adult caregiver).  A child can understand and accept letting go of fear and letting God take the wheel, because this is no different than his or her current situation in life - only better, because God doesn't make mistakes, and is powerful and never fails.  As we get older, more and more decisions in life become ours to make, and we begin to depend on ourselves.  Now, we are made to grow up and stop depending on our parents for everything, but we were also created to wholly depend on God.  We were never intended to do anything without Him ("In Him we live and move and have our being.")  Trials and troubles in life are not a sign we need to try harder, but a reminder of our dependence on God.

Throughout the years, the same truth has impacted my life in different ways.  The meaning of these Biblical truths apply differently at 7, 15, and 26, and I'm sure they will take on different meaning at 30, 45 and beyond.  For example:

"When fear and doubt surround me all about

and the enemy's camp is near

Say that Jesus in me is greater than he

who lives in the world!

The victory is mine but the battle is the Lords

Hosanna! Hosanna!

No enemy can stand when His praise goes forth

Hosanna! Hosanna!"

At 7 years old, this meant that when I am scared of the dark, or afraid of someone laughing at me because I love Jesus, it is okay, because Jesus is greater than the enemy, and I am protected.

At 26, this means that those dreams God has put in my heart, and the tasks He calls me to do are within reach - not by my power, but because He is in me, and He is on my side.  I don't have to fear failure, trials, uncertainty, because "the victory is mine, but the battle is the Lord's."  Fear and doubt have as little power now as they did then.  The stakes seem higher, but God remains the same.  The temptation is to let myself believe that it's not so simple anymore.  That's a lie.  It IS that simple.  Child-like trust and dependence upon God is ALWAYS what we have been called to. 

The apostle Paul wrote in his letter to the Philippian church:  "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, but prayer and petition, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  (Phil 4:6-7).  Paul wrote this to a church people in a hostile, dangerous situation.  As most well-know, the Roman empire was not exactly a conducive place to be a Christ-follower.  Yet, Paul does not give them a detailed list of how to overcome any fear or anxiety they have, or how to solve all their problems.  He simply tells them "Don't be anxious, pray and give it to God, and He will give you His peace, a peace the defies all understanding." (paraphrase).  Simple solution to a seemingly overwhelming problem.

No matter how complicated life seems, the truth remains so beautifully simple.  God IS in control.  God WILL be victorious.  Trusting what Christ did on the cross and His resurrection IS the way of salvation.  The truth can be hard to hear, because complexity and chaos shout from all directions, and fear and doubt whisper paralyzing lies.  Pride winds its way into our heart.  All these things make it so hard to hear the simple truth.  Spend time at the feet of the Master.  Hear what He has to say.  Read His word, and always come with the heart of a child.

So go and be childlike, my brothers and sisters.  Live a life of simple trust and obedience, and see what God brings forth through your life.  (And don't forget to listen to Donut Man music! ;)  )

A Glimpse Of the Heart Of God

I am constantly amazed at the lessons God has seen fit to teach me through the students in the behavior classroom.  I've come to find that God has so much to teach me - about His character, His promises, His love, - if I am willing to listen.  I am blown away by the opportunity to get a look into the heart of God.

A situation a few weeks ago provided one such experience.

One student I work with was having a particularly difficult day, and blew up/melted down a few times. That student was frustrated with me, with the work to be done, with the classroom expectations.  He/she didn't want to complete the expected schoolwork, and were upset with me for gently restating the expectation.  I was willing to help where needed, and a preferred activity lay just on the other side of the worksheet's completion.

This day, the student chose to express their frustration by trashing the classroom, and becoming aggressive.  I was kicked in the shins multiple times, hit, and spat on.  Each time, I reminded the student that such behavior was not acceptable and was not how they were going to get what they wanted, and gently restated the expectation.  I strive to always be kind, but firm.  A few more of these meltdowns occurred throughout the day, though my student did eventually complete the expected work.

I returned home at the end of the day exhausted, and feeling utterly defeated.  I sat down and prayed, "God, what can I do? I'm just so frustrated and I don't even know where to begin."  I sat in silence for a few minutes, and slowly, I began to understand God was trying to teach me something about Himself, even in this.

When God asks something of me, whether through Scripture or the gentle prompting of the Holy Spirit, how often have I responded by resisting or refusing?  How often have I, giving into my own desires, spat in the face of God?  The childish resistance I experienced in the classroom, the irrational overreaction to something unpleasant, is really no different that how I respond to God sometimes. My heart broke as I considered how my behavior must sadden and anger God.  His child, whom He loves, who He sent His own Son to die for, and for whom He has good plans, insists upon willfully resisting!  He has done everything for me, and yet I stubbornly refuse to do as He asks, simply because I don't want to. I tell Him I love Him, but when asked to do a task I don't want to do, I rebel.

And yet, through it all, God's love for me never changes.  After all I put Him through, He still receives me.  Sometimes receiveing that love is hardest of all.  The love that remains true, all while gently convicting my heart that what I've done is far from acceptable, and that His expectations of me are the same.  It is a love that causes me to see that I'm in the wrong. This is a love that, when I come back before Him and plead for forgiveness, says, "I still love you. My attitude toward you has not changed."

And surely enough, when I arrived at work the next morning, my student ran in to give me a hug, and said, "I'm sorry, teacher, for kicking you and spitting in your face.  I love you Miss Kc."  And, fully aware of the previous day, I remember the heart of God and say, "I forgive you. I love you too, buddy."

Loving the "Unlovable"

Recently, there has been much talk in many Christian circles about "loving the unlovable" - the homeless, the addict, the prostitutes, the ones who just don't fit in, etc.  All this is well and good, and a much-needed reminder to love others the way God loves us, to love the unlovable the way Jesus loves them.  Speaking the truth in love.  Approaching people with empathy and compassion first.  I would like to add another group to this list: "the problem child."

Recently, I have begun working in a classroom full of "behavior" kids - kids with autism, PTSD (from abuse or trauma), ADHD, and other issues.  These kids are prone to doing some pretty unlovable things - throwing objects, slamming doors, full-blown tantrums and meltdowns, punching classmates, kicking teachers, name-calling, etc.  When I tell people I work with "behavior" kids, I hear a myriad of responses

"Oh, wow.  Better you than me."

"How do you deal with those kids all day??"

"What those kids need is some more discipline and consequences."

"Bless your heart -  I sure couldn't work with them."

"*sigh* those kids just don't belong in regular school."

More than anything, these reactions make me sad. In general, the consensus (yes, even among Christians) seems to be "Of course we need to love these kids, but I just can't deal with them,"  or "well, yes of course they need love but we don't have time to deal with them in "regular school."  Basically, we acknowledge that they need love, but we are only willing to love them from a distance, or we admit they need to be loved, but "someone else" needs to do it.  

Essentially, whether we admit it or not, we want to teach these kids how to behave so that we can love them.  What kind of attitude is that? That they are only worthy of our love after they learn to act lovable?  Some of these kids have backgrounds you wouldn't believe - 7 year olds who have already been through more trauma in their lives then I will ever face in mine!  Some of these kids are autistic, and process everything in the world in a completely different way.  Many of them have no one secure or constant in their lives.  Some haven't developed social skills and are alienated from their peers.  What these kids need first is LOVE.  They need someone to say, "I care about you; I love you no matter what happens.  When you have a meltdown and punch me because you are overwhelmed, I will still love you.  I want to help you make friends, to not have meltdowns, to learn to voice what you need.  I am here to cheer you on when you triumph, and I am here to lift you up when you stumble and fail.  Good or bad, I am here to teach, encourage, and love you.

Beloved, we all need someone like this in our lives.  While driving home one day after school, I was praying for the kids at my school and God brought a verse to my mind.

"Let the little children come to me...for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

I very nearly had to pull over.  I sat in the car and began to sob.  Children, even the ones we label "behavior" kids, are precious to God.  Jesus died for them too.  And then I realized: without Christ, I am no more lovable than any of those kids.  We all stand before a perfect, holy, Almighty God as sinners, the lowest of the low.  And yet, in that state, Christ died for our sins, in our place.

"Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die.  But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."  Romans 5:7-8

You were worth all of Christ's blood, pain, and tears while you were still dead in your sins, BEFORE He began His sanctifying work in you.  As C.S. Lewis stated, because God loves us, He must set about the task of making us lovable. (paraphrase).  Loved ones, if this is God's attitude toward us - to love us, to die for us SO He can make us lovable, and if Christ died for these kids too, then who are we to decide how much love they are worth from us?  I'm not advocating that we overlook the behavior or condone it, but if our only reason for loving these kids is to "change them," then they are only a part of an agenda.  And these kids can see right through it.  They don't want to be a project, they want to be precious.  They need unconditional positive regard; they need it desperately - like water, like oxygen.  They are used to people coming into their lives, and then leaving when the going gets tough.  I've seen the defeat in their eyes when a tantrum is over (and I've never even seen the worst of it), the fear that now they've ruined everything.  What they need in those circumstances is reassurance: to be told, "I'm still here.  I've seen the worst and I'm not going anywhere.  I will help you pick up the pieces and start anew."  They need to know a love that is constant and true. This is the same way Jesus loves us when we fail Him.

Brothers and sisters, I challenge you to love these children - to have empathy and compassion, to try and understand where they are coming from.  Love them unconditionally.  I haven't mentioned the best part of working with these kids, the best part of loving and teaching them. The kids I have the privilege of working with are the most loving children I have ever met.  They are funny, silly, smart, crazy, loving kids.  A little unconditional love, tender support, and teaching, and these kids flourish!  They never cease to blow me away with their capacity to love, to learn, and to capture the heart of any person willing to extend compassion, and take a moment to understand.  I can truly say that I have never been happier in any job than I am loving and working with these kids everyday.

It has been said that those who need love the most will ask for it in the most unloving ways.  This is unequivocally true.  Whenever you encounter a child like this, love them the same way Christ loves you - radically, unconditionally, and constantly.  Love them unconditionally, and watch the unlovable become lovable.  Love the unlovable, and get a glimpse of the heart of God.

But The Fire Refines

Ah yes, the obligatory "end of the year reflection" blog.  No doubt mine is one of thousands - so thanks for spending your time here.  I'll try to make it worth your while.  I wish I could say 2013 was a year of excitement, or adventure, or something cool like that.  But, if I had to sum up 2013 in one word, it would be "stress."  Stress regarding finances; stress in relation to work; and stress regarding life in general.  I cannot relate many of the details, as most of this stress and turmoil was internal.

I must admit, I feel a bit silly for voicing any complaint when my own struggles are small compared to many others - those for whom 2013 brought loss, death, poverty, hunger, or grief.  I think of men like Pastor Saeed Abedini, imprisoned in Iran for his faith, literally facing death and persecution on a daily basis.  I think of his family, another year for his children without their daddy, for his wife, faithfully fighting and working for his release.  My troubles seem minute in comparison. So please, don't think I am trying to make my troubles seem terrible or overwhelming. And yet, the truth remains - my life was full of stress this year - because I was pushed out of my comfort zone.  So, troubles great or small, God uses what He must to accomplish His purposes in us and in the world.

Once I took my eyes off of myself and my hollow self-pity, I thought, "Maybe God is trying to teach me something."   Wow.  What a novel idea. (Sarcasm.)  As I reflected and prayed, I recognized that God had indeed taught me many things this year - the "cost" of being faithful to Christ in American culture, coming to the realization that I don't want a career, but rather to be a wife and mother, and a few other lessons.  But then why a whole year filled with stress?  As I prayed, an image came to mind - me, many months ago, asking God to make me humble.  Brothers and sisters, asking God for humility is a lot like asking God for patience.  For God, in His mercy, doesn't just bestow humility or patience, but rather brings about circumstances to humble you or me.   Financial troubles, failures, throwing a wrench in my perfect 3-year plan - this is apparently what it takes to bring me to a place of humility before God (and honestly, I'm a bit worried He's nowhere near done...).

1 Peter 5:5-6 tells us
"God opposes the proud
but gives grace to the humble.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may life you up in due time."
Seems easy enough, but sometimes there are those, such as I, who have too much pride to truly humble ourselves willingly before God, so He brings the circumstances designed to humble us.  And oh, it hurts.  But our God "wounds, but He also binds up."  He must break us of everything that holds us back from being conformed to Christ, as a doctor re-breaks an improperly healed arm so it may heal correctly.

So yes, 2013 was a year spent "in the fire."  But, beloved, the fire refines."  As silver must endure the fire until the dross is consumed, so much the Christian go through the refining process. But also, as the silversmith never takes his eyes off the silver in the fire, so our great God will never forsake us in life's fires.  He knows precisely how long it will take for the refining process to be complete.  He will not leave you in the fire too long, lest you be destroyed, but neither will He remove you before the process is complete, lest His good work in you be left half-done.  "He who has begun a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."  God finishes what He starts - through the pain and through the joy.  For the refinement process is not void of joy and rest, because God knows "to everything there is a season."

I said recently to a friend, "here's hoping 2014 brings that joy and peace."  And I still hope that, of course, but what I truly desire is that 2014 bring whatever God knows I need, whatever brings Him the most glory.  I want to choose to trust Him, that He knows what I need and the times for those things - the pain and stress, the joy and peace.

"You brought me this far

So why would I question You now?

You have provided,

So why would I start to doubt?

I've never been stranded, abandoned

or left here to fight alone

So I'm giving you control.

If peace is a river

then let it sweep over me

If I'm under fire

I know it's refining me

When I hear You calling out I follow now

Wherever the road may go

I know You're leading me home.

I lift my life, lift my life up

I give it all in surrender

I lift my heart, lift my heart up

You can have it forever.

All my dreams, all my plans

Lord, I leave it in your hands

I lift my life, lift my life up

Have Your way in me

Have your way in me"

(Unspoken, "Have Your Way in Me)

Doubts, Trust, and School Dances

Anyone who knows me knows I love to study theology (I'm kind of a nerd like that).  I love looking up the original Greek and Hebrew roots of words, learning little details, and seeking subtle nuances woven into God's holy word.  I soak these up, and am refreshed and left in awe of our great God.  I see His love and mercy, His faithfulness and justice - a common thread woven through the Bible, tying His story together.  Reflection on His word leads me to a place of worship, praising Him as I recount all the things He has done, all His wondrous ways.

However, there are also many of His ways I just don't understand - things that don't make sense or seem unfair.  There are things I know to be true, and while truth sets you free, it doesn't always make you happy (at least not initially).  So, taking my cue from the Psalms, I go before the throne, a daughter of the King through the blood of Jesus, and pour out my frustrations.

This is another thing I love about God: He is big enough for my questions, my anger, my frustration and confusion.  I don't have to hide them, for He already knows the deepest part of me.  Now, when I say it is okay to go before the throne and pour out confusion, questions and frustration, I don't mean it is all right to go before God and whine, "It's not faaaiiirrrrrr....." for a spirit of grumbling and complaining is not received well.  But, to go before God and, in sincerity of heart say, "God, this doesn't seem fair.  I don't understand; I'm angry and confused.  Help."  That is a spirit God accepts. He "knows we are dust."  He knows we can't understand everything from our limited, human perspective.

Trying to understand the difficult things won't make them less difficult.  On the contrary, most of the time, trying to wrap my head around something I'm not equipped to understand only makes matters worse.  Yet, I still have a seemingly insatiable desire to "figure it out."  I want to have all the answers. But, some things of God I am not skilled to understand.  I suppose that is why God gets to be called God, and I don't.  So, in the midst of all these questions, what's a girl to do?  Again, I turn to the Psalms.  In painful or confusing situations, the Psalmist pours out his heart, and then turns his attention to who God is and all He has done.  The psalmist reflects on God's nature - His holiness, justice, goodness, grace and faithfulness - and that alone seems to alleviate his tumultuous doubts.

Why is this?  If I may, I'll use a human analogy that I think conveys the principle.

When I was 14, I went to my first dance as a freshman in high school.  Being new to the school, I didn't really know anyone, so I decided to go by myself.  My dad drove me to the school, and as I got out of the car, he said, "I'll be back at 10 to pick you up>"
"But the dance doesn't end until 11."
"I know.  But I will be here and pick you up at 10."
"Why do I have to leave an hour early??!" I asked, somewhat confused and a little indignant.
"Just trust me."
(Pause) "Yes Daddy."

Looking back, I understand why he wanted to pick me up early - if I was having a good time, it still gave me enough time to have fun, but if I didn't I wouldn't be miserably crying in a corner for 3 hours. (This was before I had a cell phone).  However, had he tried to explain that then, I would have balked - of COURSE I was going to have a good time, of COURSE I would make friends at the dance.  Had he tried to explain, I would have spent the evening angry, because my limited understanding would have interpreted his loving wisdom as unfair or ridiculous.  Instead, he chose to simply ask me to trust him, without understanding why.

The key is - I was willing to trust my dad based on everything I know about him.  He loves me, cherishes me, and has always had my good in mind when making decisions that affect me.  Because I know my dad, and know his character, I am willing to trust him, even when I don't see all his reasons.

So it is with God, only so much more!  All the things I know about God - that He is gracious and loving, holy and altogether just - and all the things He has done for me, tell me that I can confidently place my full trust in Him.  He has only eternal good in mind, and what may seem unfair or confusing now is not merely arbitrary or a whim.  Instead of trying to explain what I am not yet able to understand he simply whispers, "My child, trust me."
And when I remember who He is, and reflect on His goodness and holiness, I can confidently respond, "Yes, Lord." and rest in His peace until that day when all things will be clear and I shall "see face to face."